This is not a Pity Party!

Since I am working, my ankle is healing and I have both a haircut and PT appointment tomorrow I am thinking that I am entering a new phase. The positive beginning of my time here in the East Bay. Due to my ankle injury, I have been on a negative spiral downwards. Sitting on the couch waiting for someone to help me.

Guess what? Nobody cares.

I am not being cynical here or pessimistic. It's just reality. A few weeks ago I forced myself into positive thinking. This caused me to get off my butt or at least in active mode. That's what I feel jump started me back up the path. Barbara Ehrenreich was on Jon Stewart recently and said that positive thinking was all a bunch of hooey. And I hereby stick my tongue out at good 'ol Barbara. Positivity works. And taking control. No one is crying with me. Everyone is too busy or too into their own shit. No judgment here, no loss of expectations - it's just what is. If I am not proactive, nothing will happen. Period.

I keep waiting for the universe to tell me what my time in California is supposed to give me. It does not feel like I am supposed to be here for the long haul, but the universe is not telling me squat. And I have been listening. Therefore I realized that I have to decide what I want.

On Saturday, I spoke with Suehyla on the phone and met with Praba for lunch. They both were very encouraging. Suehyla encouraged being pro-active with getting auditions and using any and all contacts. Praba suggested that I keep looking for theatre gigs, but truly start to create my own work. She also said that the quality of work here is on the lower side and after seeing what I do at Davis, she feels that I could do well here.

So, I brought my thesis script with me to work on my ipod and the new research continues. I am also starting the grant search, as well.

On the downside, my income is not really what it needs to be. I am just making ends meet and that's not good enough if I want to keep the savings account growing.

Mama's got a lot of work to do.

Early Sunday gratitudes

1. a super comfy couch
2. being surrounded by culture
3. being well enough to bike and walk
4. left overs
5. suehyla and her harsh realism and encouragement
6. praba for her support and enthusiasm
7. food at the mixing bowl in oakland

Rainy Friday

Okay, so I drove Tony to the N. Berkeley BART at 8:40AM this morning and decided to find a spot on the street and take BART to work early today. I treated myself to an egg sandwich next door and here I am doing very little.

My to-do list is staring me in the face. I hate that. I grabbed 3 headshots this morning, so I have three ready to go. I will head to the post office during lunch today. Unfortunately, that's all I can accomplish today. I should have brought my laptop to get all of the other stuff done or at least started - and now that I see the rain outside - an umbrella.

Yesterday was a full day, but no yoga - or at least no yoga class. I did do a little bit in the living room, but was afraid that I would be too tired with my foot throbbing and knowing that I had lots of walking ahead of me. I slept until about 10AM and we got on the road around 11:30AM. Dim sum was excellent at Hang Ahn in Chinatown and then we walked to SF Moma and toured the entire museum. It was nice to have that much time. Tony called his buds at the Opera and we swung by there to say hey and watch the first act of Otello. Quite a spectacle! The music was lovely and the sets and lights were quite nice. Not a huge fan of the costumes. We left at the intermission break in time to head back to Berkeley and grab some food before Tiny Kushner at Berkeley Rep.

We stopped at a little fast foody Hawaiian place on Shattuck. The food was not good. It was cheap, but I spent most of the time eating how to fix and improve my noodle soup. I think I will saute some onions and asparagus with some spicy chicken and see what that does.

The show last night was okay. It felt dated which is odd for a new show. The acting was good and the design elements were simple but the writing was all over the place. It needed editing. I know that Kushner is a pretty verbose writer, but still.

I am ushering for Kati on Saturday night at Yerba Buena for a dance show and then I hope to see Love's Labours at the Zellerbach on Sunday. I should call right now to see if they need ushers.

Rain rain go away! But in the meantime, here are my daily gratitudes:

1. theatre, music and dance so close
2. good dim sum
3. temperate weather, perfect for walking
4. gelato
5. Regina Spektor on my ipod

Twiddling the thumbs

Actually, I am not twiddling, but it's such a good words that it needed to be featured. In fact I just found myself tapping my fingers. You know one digit at a time - pinky to pointer finger? Nails making that tapping sound on the desk?

Yeah, that one.

It's super quiet here at work. I have not had anything to do for quite a few hours now and I was silly enough to not prep some of the things on my to-do list this morning.

I did do my bank deposit and mailed off my request for direct deposit from the temp agency, but everything else will have to wait until tomorrow or Friday.

The only other big thing is that I am looking to join another band. I am in communications with one in Oakland and am prepping songs for an audition on Wednesday. I am not sure if it's a good fit, but we will see soon enough. Their sound is more jazzy than Miss Lonely Hearts. Mostly original stuff, but I am prepping some covers.

Tomorrow I am having a fun day with Tony. Dim sum in the morning followed by a trip to SF Moma. I hope to tick another restaurant off my 7x7 Things to Eat Before You Die List. Then we are seeing Tiny Kushner at Berkeley Rep at night.

I was asked to work on Friday. So I'm taking it since my month of physical therapy begins next week and I will only be able to work 3 days a week.

So, here to more ticking, and less tapping and twiddling. Oh, and to a positive date tonight. Hope it's not too much to ask.

Gratitdues:
1. sunny skies
2. my ipod (for podcasts and music on my commute)
3. salted almonds
4. my nice looking nails - fingers and toes!
5. a job with a paycheck

List of To-Dos

As I sit here at my temp job, the task list is rather light. I am thankful for a job, but I do wish I had more to do. I finished up a task from yesterday and was busy for the first 2 hours I was here. It was really nice. It makes the day go fast.

I really don't have a good system in place to get some things ticked off my list. So, as I did before I left Atlanta, I will use this space to post what I have to do and places that I would like to visit.

Suggestions are always welcome.

TO DO
1. Send headshots to Jewish Theatre, Aurora, the Magic and ACT
2. Prep my audition for Cal Shakes
3. Schedule time to see Boom, Wicked and Three Penny (Shotgun Players)
4. Send teaching information to UC Berkeley T&D, Alice Project
5. Do in-person hearing for Berkeley parking ticket
6. Pay PG&E bill
7. Finish Dada report for the City of Davis
8. Make bank deposit

TO TRY
1. Gregoire's
2. a good sushi place in the East Bay
3. 7th Heaven Yoga
4. Yoga to the People
5. The Yoga Room

And my gratitudes:
1. Arts and culture close by
2. good friends
3. a steady (though part-time) job
4. a PT appointment & a healing foot/ankle
5. lovely weather, for November or anytime

Missing the Welcome

Back at the temp job and I finally feel like I have my groove. It's amazing how much more comfortable I feel after creating ritual. While sometimes I surprise myself with changing plans, I really am a creature of habit. That does not go for restaurants since I rarely go to a watering hole twice, but still. This is a little bit of an epiphany for me. I had a jaunt in my step as I walked from the bus to the office. And more of an awareness of my comfort level as I came back from Starbucks with a pound of ground and a free cuppa joe and a scone. As a Taurus, lots of times I am listed as stubborn. I really don't think that's true. Maybe because stubborn sounds so hard and fast. And I don't think I hold on to the rituals so tightly, but change does hurt. Maybe there's another word. Ah, thesaurus, what do you got?

Firmly, often unreasonably immovable in purpose or will: adamant, adamantine, brassbound, die-hard, grim, implacable, incompliant, inexorable, inflexible, intransigent, iron, obdurate, relentless, remorseless, rigid, unbendable, unbending, uncompliant, uncompromising, unrelenting, unyielding.

Yeah, these are too strong. I don't think I am that fixed.

I went back to Davis yesterday with Tony to see the first department show of the year and get my fill of all you can eat sushi. There is a sense of ease with Davis, but it's start to feel like the past. It is certainly nice to go back and see familiar faces. Again, nice. Maybe it's because I am welcomed there and things are a little colder in my new life. I miss the welcome.

Okay, that's all well and good, but what does that mean? I guess I need to get out and find those that will welcome me. That are familiar. I think I will research yoga classes close by.

Om.

Ruminations and percolations

I have been having dreams about my high school reunion lately. Very vivid dreams that are always different. Wait, have I written that before?

Yup. In the last post..

Anyway, I have been thinking what they have been trying to tell me. When I posted that thought as my facebook status I got comments from Janice Freyler and Kathy Corcoran that I should have ATTENDED the reunion. While that may be true, I don't think that's it. What comes to mind is would I be excited to tell people what I do. Since I never want to regret anything, I am seriously thinking about where I want to be right now. The biggest thing is that I feel I am taking huge steps backwards. I am falling back on all of things I did when I got out of undergrad. Well, at least temping, but I have been thinking catering, as well. While I certainly CAN do these things, they do not bring me joy, just a paycheck and potentially some yummy leftovers.

As my ankle heals and I look for performance and teaching gigs I thought about my one time goal of creating a center for all of the things I love. A theatre/dance school, a day spa, and a restaurant all in one building. It could have a performance component or not. I guess in a scaled down version it would be a studio with an adjacent room for massage and then a little food area that sold light bites and juices.

So yesterday in my forward thinking I started looking for buildings. There were some sketchy options in Oakland, but for the most part it's an expensive venture. I would love to start small with the option of expanding. But I like the feel of all three. That's what would make it difficult to figure out which one to start if I had to choose. The logical choice would be the studio since I can do that now. I can teach group acting and dance classes and then rent it out to other teacher to do the same. Teach dance or yoga or martial arts. The day time may be light, so there are thoughts there, as well.

However, I am excited and trying to figure out the next steps. Since I cannot teach dance classes right now I am a little worried about starting this. Do I need to rent a studio myself or teach at a studio for a bit to build clientele? Do I want partners?

Thoughts?

Or as I usually say to my students - questions, comments, epiphanies?!

Epiphany!