To Perform or Not to Perform

is still the question. I guess I should not be asking that for realsies as I begin rehearsals tomorrow for The Real Thing and have a small gig with When You Hit Your Funny Bone at CounterPULSE in the fall. I am completely tired from Chauncey's dance class this afternoon followed by volunteering about The Marsh SF and then CounterPULSE to see Scott Well's current show. So, I will ruminate on my question and it's answer on my BART ride home tomorrow.

In the meantime, let's talk gratitude:
1. possibilities
2. yummy ravioli that I made when I got home this evening
3. storytellers
4. a roommate/subletter who CLEANS!
5. having skills that people need (but getting paid for them is another story)

sigh.

Funny AND sexy??!!

Last night I put on some fine duds and full make-up to perform at a benefit for a new theatre company that some friends started. It was in the lobby of the theatre they're renting for the show. For a Monday night in Fort Mason it did not draw the crowds they hoped, but as Ara (one of the founders) said, for every patron that's 7 more dollars that we didn't have before. I love that positivity. And Ara has that in spades.

The benefit gave me a good opportunity to perform an excerpt of When You Hit Your Funny Bone again. Ara started the show by singing some lovely songs from the 1930s. They were campy at times, and she was truly funny, but the audience was quiet. Well, Randy and I laughed in the back, but when I asked Kati if the audience was smiling, she said no. That worried me lots. I really needed the verbal support from the small crowd and thankfully when my turn came I just reached in and took it.

Not very subtle.

My original plan was to do a bit of the Laugh Score, speak and dance the Humor definition, tell the cowboy joke, repeat the humor dance and then go into One for the Ladies. However with my schedule yesterday I did not have time to rehearse the humor work. So I cut it. I thought through the transitions, but never physicalized them. I think it worked out okay, but it would have been stronger if I would have rehearsed it.

Ara used piano accompaniment for her songs so I asked him to play a small intro before I started laughing. It was a little clunky, but since we never worked before it was fine. I think I came on too strong and did not offer enough variety of sound, rhythm and quality all around. But keeping it positive, it was fun to do it and I had some nice conversations with folks afterwards. There were a few that thanked me for the laughter and another that spoke about the "pu pu and pee pee platter" just not being good.

Needless to say I am excited to jump back in and since I let my current musician go, I am now in search of another collaborator.

Welcome back

There has been a lot and a little. But mostly I have just not been motivated to write. I have been working my tushie off and I really do see things changing. More importantly I took a day off and took a day trip with Christine, Genia and Christine's childhood friend, Rachel. It was a lovely day up to Sebastopol and then on to Bodega Bay. Wonderful food, amazing scenery and great company.

With that in mind, I am grateful for:
1. good friends
2. lovely weather
3. people who appreciate my hard work
4. chances to perform
5. being close to the water

Just Call Me...

There's no reason on Earth that I should still be up. I have been going non-stop since 8:15am and I hit my brain freeze about 4 hours ago. I guess I am stubborn. And just don't want to leave the couch. As I proceed on my path I have started asking myself "how does that serve me?" If it doesn't I have started the process of letting go. I am tired of struggling, so I need things that either pay the bills or feed my soul.

Hopefully both.

However these decisions are hard, so what I've wanted to do almost all day is just hide away. I wondered what would happen if I just stopped answering my phone. There were a series of people who needed me today, but I just didn't want it. I wanted to play and relax. I did get a little bit of down time with Christine and Genia today. And I have to say that was awesome. I also took Christine up on her offer to be my Life Coach and me hers. I think it's a good match and there will be no money exchanging hands. We know each other so well and can really challenge each other. I am a little worried about what will come next. I feel like I'm on another precipice. (Oh gosh, I spelled that right!) And the next 6 months will be truly telling.

Here's to them!

Gratitiudes:
1. sunny skies
2. Christine and her friendship
3. good music
4. cooking skillz
5. DVR

I Need a Life Coach

I think I am starting to run around in circles. And just think, that's what dogs do - and we laugh. For what it's worth, that's not a good sign. I hoped that there would be more clarity during grad school, but I honestly don't think I'm closer to a goal. I'm not getting any younger and I'm too experienced and talented to still be struggling. So, I think there will be some major decisions made in the months to come. I need to figure out my true passion. What gives me the most joy and just do it. No excuses. My problem is that I keep getting distracted along the way.

At the Ecstatic Dance Anniversary at the Sweet Ballroom in Oakland I saw these people who consider dance as their church. It felt like they just HAD to dance. I did enjoy it, but I would have been just as happy to watch. Once I did get dancing and truly let loose a natural smile came over my face and I understood why people congregate there every Sunday. It's not that I suddenly felt like I had to make this a weekly ritual, but there was awareness in the power of dance.

I need to find what does that for me.

I again avoided working on the Definitions section of Funny Bone and updating my Invoices. Instead I started to clean my email inbox and work on Laughter is a River. I will get up early to do a little work and then head into the city for a Greenleaf delivery. I hope to do a little Nathan work if the Casual Carpool cooperates and gets me in to SF with time to spare.

The running continues.

Gratitudes:
1. the return to flossing
2. Randy for joining me on pizza & beer and listening to my concerns
3. kind words
4. Mary for trust in my experience and opinion
5. change a-comin'

Weekend of Brand New

Okay, I think I am officially a Bay Area babe. Yesterday I went to my first laughter yoga class in the Grand Lake area and the Farmer's Market immediately afterwards. In the evening I met Andrea and some of the MTC ladies at AT&T Park for the Giants v the Arizona Diamondbacks. And yes, there was a protest about the whole immigration issue. And then today I went to a yoga class followed by Ecstatic Dance. Unfortunately I cannot say that I biked to any of this, but like many people in the Bay Area. I drove my car. Well except to the baseball game, I took BART and walked. The weather was super nice today, but when I got home I went inside and completely crashed on the couch.

So my plans of cleaning the apartment and working on funny bone and updating my hours and invoices - well, yeah, that didn't happen. if i head to bed in the next 30 minutes, i should be able to get up early and bust some shit out.

that and i really think i need a life coach.

What I'm Grateful for:
1. two loving lap felines
2. gorgeous weather
3. pluots in season
4. supportive friends
5. possibilities

Notes to the Self

First off, when you are watching a live reality competition result show, don't check twitter. I mean, I know it goes without saying, but I guess I have my stupid hat on. Momentarily forgetting that I am 3 hours behind the original broadcast of the finale of American Idol I decided to check Twitter to see if anyone on this coast was tweeting about Alice Cooper opening the show. Yeah, dumb move. Since on the right bar I see the current top phrases in tweets listed at least 2 mentions to Lee Dewyze winning. I have to admit that I am a little surprised. I was not an avid follower this year or last, but every time I did catch it, Crystal Bowersox seemed to just bring it. As I watch this 2 hour event, it makes me sad. There is so much money, attention and viewership but the contestants are just not that good. As a whole. There are a few people that busted it out, but I think the show has lost it's luster. And that makes me sad.

Fortunately that is not the same with So You Think You Can Dance. Hopefully the DVR setting is still active from the last season. Since the coming months will be a little crazy, I don't think I will have a chance to watch it live. I will be in rehearsals and teaching and doing a few hours here and there with Kim and Jess, and then there is increased catering work with Hugh.

I spoke to yet another non-profit dance company today about doing some administrative work. The artistic director asked me about my teaching and other work and then there was the telling question about also being a performer. And I really had to think about it. I have to be honest and say that I am not sure how much performance will be doing on a regular basis. I did the generals last week at CenterREP and felt good, but when I did them at Berkeley Rep on Tuesday, I just felt okay. I am still doing the show this summer and I am making plans for When You Hit Your Funny Bone, so don't fret. However, perhaps scripted plays are not the best medium for me. Perhaps there is a better performative medium for me. Or not.

I reminds me of this conversation I had with Margaret Baldwin in the germinations of my departure from Synchronicity and Atlanta. I drove over late at night in my pajamas and we sat on her front porch. I knew change was on the horizon and I needed a wise perspective. I mentioned it here two years ago. Either I'm slow on the pick up or I need a little reflection (and a good kick in the pants) every year or so.

Duly noted.