I Am An Idiot or Caution: We're Gonna Get Gross

I really can't believe that I am even going to write this.

You all know more about the more well-rounded me, so I trust there won't be a huge amount of judgement. Hopefully. But I'm warning that it gets pretty nasty pretty quickly. The few people I told about this verbally were at least appreciative about the educational element.

Last chance to turn away...

For the last 4-5 days, I have have felt a little crampy. I was not in any discomfort so I decided it wasn't anything to worry about. However, a day later I noticed blood in both my stool and urine. It didn't go away, so I called the nurse help line at the Health Center this morning. After explaining my symptoms, the nurse scheduled an appointment for 9:15. I immediately sent a message to Melanie, the professor of my Voice class since class began at 10 and I might have been late.

I got excited about another chance to view a doctor for my acting class for medical practicioner workshop idea. And of course, I was relieved that someone would tell me what the heck is going on with my body. After waiting for 30 minutes in the waiting room, I was called back into the exam room.

There were a bunch of long and thin tools and supplies (um, yeah phallic) sitting on the exam table, so I had a clear idea what was in store. I spoke to the nurse and the doctor and was asked to head down to the lab for a urinalysis. I returned to the exam room and picked up my Anne Bogart book, A DIrector Prepares, we are reading for CORE -- and waited. I have to admit that waiting is usually the thing that sucks the most.

I pray to god that that was my first and only rectal exam. The doctor did confirm the blood, but then said something about fibrous tissue. I sat up and we discussed the possibility of hemorrids. I mean, what the heck are they, anyway? He wanted to do a blood test, but I just wanted to wait for the urinalysis. Then out of the clear blue sky Mr. Doctor Man asked if I had been eating beets. BEETS!

Um, yeah, these 4 beautiful beets were in my last CSA box from Riverdog. I boiled and peeled them and covered them with a vinaigrette and made a salad. Then I sauteed the beet greens with fresh garlic and broccoli. Yummy, yum, yum.

When the results came back from the lab, (on pink paper!!) of course, there was no blood. I felt like a complete idiot.

To make matters worse, this was not the first time that this happened to me. When I was at Emory, my stool was a funky green color. When I called the nurse at the health center, she asked if I had eaten anything different. "um, no." When suddenly it dawned on my that I had ingested almost a full bag of black jelly beans.