Some days it feels like all is well and things are going along swimmingly. I am on a wide deck lying in the sun. There is a slight breeze and I could not be happier. Then I open my eyes and realize that I am in the middle of the vast ocean by myself and there's no one around for miles and miles. I stand there completely alone and disorientated.
Sometimes I like to think of this as a reality check and others a time of growth. In actuality there's a boat just around the corner from my little sundeck to rescue me, but at first glance I am off my center and potentially angry.
On Thursday in Jade's CORE class she proposed we do an exercise to go along with ideas around identity. She thought it would be a good idea to take mini-post it notes and write labels for each of our classmates. Then we would stick them to the respective backs. So we could be honest and the recipient would not know who said what. That immediately put up red flags and there was a negative verbal response -- it came mostly from Patricia and Rebecca, but Tim soon followed. We figured that everyone would be nice and not truthful. We eventually decided to write 2 notes for each person in the class and put them all on a big table. Then in turn we would go up to said table and pick out 4 that we thought were meant for us.
I pulled 6. They are:
artist
mature
cook
obedient
organised
silly
After looking at "busy body" and asking Nancy if she thought that was for me -- she just looked at me and tilted her head. I started thinking, but left it there on the table. After we read our lists to the class, I put "cook" back and picked up "busy body" I could not think of another person in the class that could have taken that distinction. Perhaps Lynne, but I am not sure. So, in the effort of being honest with myself. Tony said that it was my own opinion of myself and not of others, but it made me think. And all of a sudden I was alone. Maybe I am a pain in the ass and people are disturbed that I butt into their business. It knocked me off my center. And now I have the desire to be more quiet.
After playing with that list I really looked at each of the labels. Artist was probably not meant for me, but Wenting, and Mature was either for Nancy of Lynne. Cook was probably me, but I am not sure about Obedient. All of this made me question who I am and even after the objection to having our classmates post on our backs, I had a huge desire to find out which labels were actually meant for me.
That evening I was in Nest rehearsal and Irina again pushed me off my center. She asked me to do my only large monologue keeping in mind different concepts. She forced me to put the script down and really play. I was hugely resistant at first, but eventually I was able to get out of my head and really stretch the text. It was exciting and freeing. Shortly after I went to the U-Club and had a 2 hour dance rehearsal for Measure for Measure. It's great being in a room with people who love what they're doing. They are so positive and follow instructions. The level of talent is mixed, which makes it hard, but they are welcome to the gentle (or not so gentle) pushes and are appreciative of my support and choreography.
I wish to grab some sun on the grass before our Nest line through tomorrow. But after a morning of dim sum with Jeanne and another line cramming session, I doubt that will be possible.
Poops!
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