cruisin' for a bruisin'

after day 3, i am even more sore and even more bruised. just like yesterday, i had a a good bit of excitement and an equal amount of awkward disappointment. amy and i could not find parking so we arrived at the workshop 30 minutes late. luckily the day started late and we didn't miss much. actually we got the explanation of the first exercise AFTER it was over. and i was excited to know that we would be playing with the digestive system. it was a chapter i skipped while teaching dra 141 and unfortunately much of we did today was too advanced or a little scary for a group of body conscious undergrads.

the first exercise was just feeling the small shifts of weight as the body rolled. then there was a bit of lecture that would have been good to share. just like the breathing dance we did in the 141 class, it would have been good to do one with the digestive system. especially since the pathway of the intestines are pretty stinkin' cool. we then paired up and did rolls up and down our partners bodies and then we did a bit of surfing. after we switched, we went into a dance that was successful. that's where my major bruising happened. a few elbows on the floor and a bit of little shmooshing as manuel rolled over me. gosh, this sound much more sexual than it actually is.

we then played with elements of touch. i partnered with ian and we had to give different touch movements to our partner and then they did a little dance based on the touches. it was really cool. i have played with sculptures and small movement with a partners, but not with a prolonged touching session that becomes a score for the dancer. after lunch scott took over and we moved into contact. we did lifts in trio that eventually became a rolling lifting orgy. this was the biggest frustration of the day. the group i was in had a hard time doing the lifts. these were like those airplane lifts that we did as kids, but with assistance and coming from a RUN. So there were 2 people on either side of the runner who approached the base for the lift up. The 2 spotters then had to guide the jumper down by giving compression. So the ride down would be slow and easy. My 2 spotters guided down, but without compression so i was not comfortable at all. Scott then encouraged us to keep going or wander around the room and find bases with their legs up for us to fly. I turned around and my ENTIRE group was gone. I did wander for a while and then got frustrated and stopped and watched.

here's to a better tomorrow.

reintroduction

i am currently in san francisco doing a contact improv and body mind centering workshop for 9 days. the awareness i have for my body has tripled since i started grad school and most of that occurred in the last 3 months. i completed day 2 of 9 today and my body feels equally tired and energized. i wonder why i haven't done this work sooner and really think this is why i came to grad school. to do this work.

after our partner work this afternoon, we moved from assisted head/tail work to solos. during the solo work i found myself moving in ways that were new. i created new pathways and had a hard time just experiencing the movement without thinking about it while i did it. i found length in my limbs and a really great connection between the top and base of my spine. when i chatted with my partner brad after our dance together he asked if my eyes were open or closed during my solo. for the most part they were closed, but i did peek occasionally to see where i was so i didn't hit anyone. he commented that i was doing a duet with a woman close by. we apparently were in close proximity and doing a duet of sorts. i had no idea. during our lunch break amy said that the dance was particular lovely. needless to say, i was quite pleased.

after lunch, we jumped into CI with scott. i had a little harder time with the partner work and became completely self-conscious. the dancers in this workshop are really good. not only with contact improv, but with all forms. i feel a little out of practice. so much so that i sat out of the score at the end of the evening. i had not played that way in nita's class so it was fascinating to see how the performance element happens. what scott did was create a series of rules. start with a solo dance and bring in a partner with eye contact. you can then enter with a leap in. it was interesting to watch and i am a little overwhelmed by the talent in the room. i tried not to pay attention, but it seemed like many people were shying away from working with me when we did our ensemble jumps to each other. it was a hard exercise for me to "catch" my partner and my paranoia got the better of me.

as i let my body incorporate the new information of the day, i will add in a little more love to hopefully overcome my insecurities. ah, sleep.

Disappointment

I'm back to having some sad days and haven't really wanted to write. I have had a series of successes with friends and social happenings, and I did some fine scenework in acting class the other day. However, on Thursday I was really disappointed in my work in voice class. After the vulnerable work I did in acting on Wednesday, I threw my mask back on and gave a very guarded performance. In fact, what I was hoping for the entire quarter finally came through. I cried during most of the vocal warm-up. I finally allowed myself to open up, but unfortunately to hold myself together for the remainder of class I wound up closing down. Lisa did a pretty brilliant thing by asking us to share the following before launching into our monologues.

1. What I would like you to know about me is ____________
2. What I do not want you to know about me is ____________
3. This is my (name of body part).

So, in essence she got us to completely open emotionally and then grounded us into our body before we began our pieces. I thought about what I wanted to say during the warm-up, but really didn't want to share that much. I was toying with elements of fear about being alone and my attack -- to my injuries all on my left side, however I wound up keeping everything a bit more safe. What I said was that I would like you to know that all quarter I have been working on releasing my body and that yesterday (Wednesday) I finally released my face. I believe I also added in a "Go Me!" in there, as the class laughed. What I did not want to admit was that I still have a hard time freeing my throat and in fact, my throat was a little sore after the warm up. However, I then turned around and grabbed my butt and said "This is my relaxed ass."

My monologues were just okay. I got some laughs along the way, but I knew something was wrong. Lisa's first written comment was that I needed to trust the class. Um, duh, not in my current state! And then she praised my voice, but questioned my reason for speaking. She asked me about the action. And I agree 100%. I was not thinking about WHY I told these stories. I was worried too much about keeping my shit together and making sure my breath was connected. Of course, who gave a damn what I was talking about.

I also decided to meet with Bella yesterday and get feedback from her. This was my first meeting with the new acting hire and I have heard nothing but praises about her. She took a long pause before giving me any feedback. I cannot remember when she mentioned how alike we are but she was very complimentary of my work in Jade's class on Wednesday. In fact, Jade was quite curt in her critique of my work on Monday. She made comments about me moving my face too much and that it was distracting to all of the BEC work we had been doing. So, on Wednesday I make a conscious effort to relax my face. However, Bella was confused by what she saw on Thursday and offered this anecdote. While studying in Russia at the end of a term they had to get one-on-one feedback from their professor. Each student left and spoke of glowing reviews so when she went in she expected the same. In fact, the teacher told her that he didn't know what to do with her and suggested she consider leaving the program. He felt that she was too concerned with perfection and getting it right that it didn't leave her much room to let the work flow. After Bella told me this story, she just looked at me.

Pause, pause.

It was clear that she felt the same about my work. She did follow it up by saying that she knows I am capable of vulnerability since she saw it clearly on Wednesday. So, now I have my work cut out for me.

The conversation continued with a discussion about the star sign that we share - Taurus. And the fact that our problem lies in our throat. Or that Taurus is the sign that rules the throat. Since the throat BEC or chakra is linked to communication, it makes sense that honest giving and taking of information is difficult for me. She also mentioned that the throat is the link between the heart and the mind. So, unless I open the throat, I will never be able to verbally share what's in my heart, but will just keep it in my mind.