Disappointment

I'm back to having some sad days and haven't really wanted to write. I have had a series of successes with friends and social happenings, and I did some fine scenework in acting class the other day. However, on Thursday I was really disappointed in my work in voice class. After the vulnerable work I did in acting on Wednesday, I threw my mask back on and gave a very guarded performance. In fact, what I was hoping for the entire quarter finally came through. I cried during most of the vocal warm-up. I finally allowed myself to open up, but unfortunately to hold myself together for the remainder of class I wound up closing down. Lisa did a pretty brilliant thing by asking us to share the following before launching into our monologues.

1. What I would like you to know about me is ____________
2. What I do not want you to know about me is ____________
3. This is my (name of body part).

So, in essence she got us to completely open emotionally and then grounded us into our body before we began our pieces. I thought about what I wanted to say during the warm-up, but really didn't want to share that much. I was toying with elements of fear about being alone and my attack -- to my injuries all on my left side, however I wound up keeping everything a bit more safe. What I said was that I would like you to know that all quarter I have been working on releasing my body and that yesterday (Wednesday) I finally released my face. I believe I also added in a "Go Me!" in there, as the class laughed. What I did not want to admit was that I still have a hard time freeing my throat and in fact, my throat was a little sore after the warm up. However, I then turned around and grabbed my butt and said "This is my relaxed ass."

My monologues were just okay. I got some laughs along the way, but I knew something was wrong. Lisa's first written comment was that I needed to trust the class. Um, duh, not in my current state! And then she praised my voice, but questioned my reason for speaking. She asked me about the action. And I agree 100%. I was not thinking about WHY I told these stories. I was worried too much about keeping my shit together and making sure my breath was connected. Of course, who gave a damn what I was talking about.

I also decided to meet with Bella yesterday and get feedback from her. This was my first meeting with the new acting hire and I have heard nothing but praises about her. She took a long pause before giving me any feedback. I cannot remember when she mentioned how alike we are but she was very complimentary of my work in Jade's class on Wednesday. In fact, Jade was quite curt in her critique of my work on Monday. She made comments about me moving my face too much and that it was distracting to all of the BEC work we had been doing. So, on Wednesday I make a conscious effort to relax my face. However, Bella was confused by what she saw on Thursday and offered this anecdote. While studying in Russia at the end of a term they had to get one-on-one feedback from their professor. Each student left and spoke of glowing reviews so when she went in she expected the same. In fact, the teacher told her that he didn't know what to do with her and suggested she consider leaving the program. He felt that she was too concerned with perfection and getting it right that it didn't leave her much room to let the work flow. After Bella told me this story, she just looked at me.

Pause, pause.

It was clear that she felt the same about my work. She did follow it up by saying that she knows I am capable of vulnerability since she saw it clearly on Wednesday. So, now I have my work cut out for me.

The conversation continued with a discussion about the star sign that we share - Taurus. And the fact that our problem lies in our throat. Or that Taurus is the sign that rules the throat. Since the throat BEC or chakra is linked to communication, it makes sense that honest giving and taking of information is difficult for me. She also mentioned that the throat is the link between the heart and the mind. So, unless I open the throat, I will never be able to verbally share what's in my heart, but will just keep it in my mind.