Reality Check

So, it should not be a huge surprise that my auditions did not go so well. Last night, I sang well. But did I blow them away? Um, I don't think so.

Bryan Mercer gave me a warm up CD that he liked -- actually was I supposed to copy it and return? Well, too late now. But either way the warm up was excellent and after all of that humming and buzzing I felt more confident. The name of the CD was Big Voice. And I have to say when I left my car I did indeed have a big voice. Maybe because the sound was bouncing off the surfaces of a small space, but I thought I sounded good. And I am very critical.

I do miss singing in my car. Since I rarely drive anymore I lose time that I had once used to sing or listen to taped lines. Ah, the car as studio. Maybe I should utilize the studios on campus that ARE studios. Gosh, what a concept.

So last night I sang Taylor the Latte Boy. I met with my buddy Tim last week and he encouraged me to sing it since it would probably be something the artistic director and his assistant didn't know. Well, they did know it and I had a mini freak-out as the accompanist plucked out the first note. 16 bars -- in and out. And then there was the realization that while I love this musical theatre thing -- there are so many people that do it better than me.

I wasn't going to even go to the dance call this morning. But then I thought worse case scenario I would get a good workout. There wound up being 150 people there and I have to say the average age of the auditionee was about 20! I had major swings of "Oh, my god, what the heck am I doing here. I am so old" to "Let me show these young'uns a thing or two." We started with a ballet combo and that's when the shit hit the fan. I stood by Tim's friend Jeanne because she's been cast for the last 3 years and she was probably the best dancer there. Technically strong and just performed so well. I have to say that I have that performers edge, but my technique -- or should I say my ballet technique -- just stinks.

They did the first round of cuts after the ballet section and of course my name was NOT called. I could say that I wasn't feeling well and the headache got in the way, but honestly I wouldn't have cast myself. I literally tripped over my own feet. Twice. Scarily enough, I am not the slightest bit heartbroken. Okay, maybe just a little. But really it's a little.

I just got off the phone with birthday girl Jen Denning and explained to her that while I am a good dancer and a good singer I am not GREAT. There are tons of things that I do better. And while there was a chance that I would move to NY and be a big Broadway star, there are tons of people that really dig that life. I have to say that these auditions did not excite me.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Margaret Baldwin early on in my decision to make a grand change. She actually encouraged me to leave acting behind. She said that I should not act because there are people that just do it better. Not that I'm bad, I have strengths elsewhere. That was hard to hear, but I wonder if it's true. She said I am a stellar administrator. And I have to add teacher to that list.

Gosh, then how the heck to I justify this MFA in Dramatic Arts with an emphasis in Acting.

Um, yikes.