On Uneven Ground

So, after a week of rehearsals, I am in a new place. This has been a completely new experience for me. The past 5 days we have not had a complete cast and we've done a lot of playing and when we read the script we rarely read our own parts. The reading part I've done before, but all of the warm ups and physical exercises were nothing I'd ever done in the rehearsal room.

For example, for homework we had to go through the script and write down all of our physical actions. Mine are:

2 scans the bookshelves
looks through papers on the desk
takes letter
17 stands in the rain
reads
confesses to the Chaplain
26 kisses Jacob suddenly and hard
31 studies Susanna
36 addresses the ladies group
50 prays by her bed
53 repeats the chain of events
59 lies in bed reciting poetry

We then had to announce our actions and walk them (or mime them) while the rest of the group copied our actions. It was a little bizarre, but it forced me to be specific with my actions, so that others could copy them. The problem is that I went first and I was not able to look at my list before I started. I have not started learning my lines because the playwright is in town making changes and I don't want to keep relearning. So, I not only had a hard time remembering, but she also wanted us to fill in the gaps. What are we doing IN BETWEEN our time on stage. Including the entrances and exits from rooms and being specific about where we stand in the rain. Later the stage manager commented that the exercise was difficult to watch. Just as I did Rinde, I have to get into the brain of Irina Brown. She does not give clear directions so my brain needs to do a little analyzing before it sets my body in motion.

By yesterday, I was comfortable. I read the lines without affectation as we sat in a circle and did the exercise of finding our center and changing its weight with gusto. I do feel more experienced that all of my other cast mates. I mean I am the only grad student and they are just younger with less training. They swallow their lines and trail off ends of sentences or words. They don't have the strongest breath support. They are however super smart and well read. That's when I keep quiet.

However, at the end of rehearsal, Irina asked to see me. We walked to the other side of the room and she said "remember in the auditions that I asked you to lose the character? and talk from a real place?" I nodded "well, I just want to make sure you continue to do that." With a questioning look on my face, I asked if I had done that since the audition and she said no. I wanted to ask, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MENTIONING IT AGAIN??!!! but I stayed quiet and let her continue. She basically kept repeating her comment over again in different ways and then started back peddling and said that she's sure I will be brilliant. By this time I was completely confused.

I went to sleep last night in a state of uneasiness. And I just question why. Did she just want to keep me aware of something that I did once and immediately stopped upon comment? Or did she want to shift me off my center and get me into a place of unsuredness -- and more importantly a place where I can be vulnerable?

This morning, I am trying not to think about it. Or at least over think it. Today, I am going to get my free bagel and coffee from the Grad Studies Association, finish choreographing the opening number for Measure for Measure, clean up my apartment and cook some Chicken Rollatini for the pre-concert dinner at my house. How the heck am I going to fit 8 people in my apartment?

There's the email bell. Gotta run.