The Good and the Bad

When I was in Atlanta, every time I entered the second week of rehearsal for any show I was in, I hit a wall. I started questioning why I was cast and doubting my abilities. Thankfully it never appeared in grad school. However, now that I am back doing straight plays, I has reared it's ugly head.

I fail to remember what the last show was that I felt this way. Not Voices Underwater and not Women + War, I don't think. But I believe definitely on Anne Frank: Within and Without and The Sex Habits of American Women. And actually my last show - On the Town there was a smidge of it when I struggled with lines - and my scene partner.

The first week is just peachy. I come into the process with that energy of entitlement. There's a reason I was cast now I need to just do my work. However, once the play starts cracking open and all of the actors are making discoveries at different rates the confidence is shaken up a bit. In the case of my current show, The Real Thing I see some of my fellow actors taking the reigns and just running. I feel slow. Like I have not made equal strides and that I never will. I sat back on my confidence instead of using its momentum forward. It's a horrible place to be. For not only do I have to catch up, I have to jump over this horrible mental obstacle. And then there is the disappointment from my castmates - whether that be real or imagined. So, you see - obstacles.

The good news is that I recognize it and know that I have overcome these in the past. I just have to stop beating myself up about it. Secondly, these are some issues in the play itself. In fact my character, Charlotte says to her ex-husband, Henry,

You think making a commitment is it. Finish. You think it set like a concrete platform and it'll take any strain you want to put on it. You're committed. You don't have to prove anything. In fact, you can afford a neglect..."

But as we find out, you cannot. I guess this is a little issue of mine. Well, maybe it's not so little. That's the bad news. I am a bit of a 'Henry' right now. Or for a while. I seem to have lost that drive a bit. Or perhaps the skills to dig deeper. Or is the universe trying to put these blocks in front of me so I abandon performing once and for all and make a greater difference in administrations and education?

I did not feel any of this in grad school, largely because my confidence level was up. I was a big fish in a small pond. I was not challenged largely by those around me. I did not have to fight for roles in either year. I was an actor solely and I didn't have to worry about from where my next pay check was coming. That was exciting. I think I will make some tea and start to do a little digging in the script before I head to teach. Time to pick up the reigns.

A little magic

Even though we started rehearsals for The Real Thing last week the craziness starts in earnest today. For the next 2 weeks, I am teaching movement for one of the two Cal Shakes camps and then most days going to rehearsal afterwards. With volunteering for one of the Wild Kitchen dinners on Friday and then working a Hugh Groman shift on Saturday, I am already starting on a lower energy level.

Not good.

But at least I have some money in my pocket and I ate well. And since rehearsals are going well, I am also feeding my soul.

Not bad!

It's interesting that the Wild Kitchen dinner was the thing that sticks out the most this weekend. It was totally a magical event. People coming together in a "secret" location to share wonderful, fresh food and an experience. I basically benched on my catering and serving experience, but since I was volunteering it was a bit looser. I did notice that I was one of the more driven people there. In fact the dude in charge said that he liked my focus - or direction - but anyway it was clear that most everyone was a tad more laid back. Grab a beer and a cigarette and when we're ready we'll serve the next course. It took me a while to embrace that. Primarily since that's not my way when I cater, but secondly because I didn't want to be there all night long. I mean staying in the city 'til midnight with a 10am rehearsal down in Livermore, immediately followed by a catering gig in Los Altos takes its toll. Yes, my body feels it.

But anyway, back to the magic.

When I arrived on site there were two long tables set up with butcher paper tops and some simple glass bottles with dried flowers and wild artichokes strewn about. My first task was cleaning sea beans. The head dude was making sashimi halibut and the guy next to him was cleaning more wild artichokes. I believe there was also some duck searing and frying some tempura sea beans. Oh wait, then what was I cleaning?

Here's the menu. That may shed some light.

Amuse Bouche
Wild Bay Leaf Butter on Garlic Crostini

first
Miso Marinated Black Cod with Blood Red Daikon
and Quick Fried Wild Radish Greens

2
Black Trumpet Mushroom
and Wild Radish Galette

3
A soup of Crisp Wild Onion and Local Wild Nettles

4
Local Halibut Tartare
with Tempura Fried Sea Beans

5
Black Trumpet Risotto
with Braised Cattails
and Wild Lavender Grilled Duck Breast

6
Salad of Miners Lettuce, Spring Greens, Oxalis Flowers
and Pickled Beets
with a Tart Oxalis Vinaigrette

7
Wild Artichokes and Arugula with a Fresh Aioli

last
Wild Lavender Cheesecake
with Oakland Farmstead Honey

Okay, so the veggies I cleaned were part of the salad, but they are not listed. But as I review this menu again I really don't care. Each course was more delicious than the last and the diners (as well as the folks hanging in the kitchen) all had a great time. Yes, there was a lot of alcohol and yes those who drank (and drank without excess) probably had a better time than those who didn't or had one (or three) too many.I found joy in making people feel welcome. In satisfying special requests and getting smiles (and glasses of wine) in return.

Would I have done things differently. Sure. But it's not mine to judge. On my way home with a belly full of great food, some leftovers at my side and a few dollars tip in my pocket, I seemed to learn a little more about myself.

Gray and cloudy Friday

I wasn't gonna write because I don't think there is a ton to report, but if I start typing I just may be surprised. There are certainly a number of things I could be doing - like cleaning my bedroom. But I wonder if I can keep avoiding that for another day.

Today is my last open day for a while. Monday the run of teaching starts and doesn't really stop until mid-September. I am exciting to get back to teaching more regularly and intangible as it gets, I'm ready to change some lives. There has been lots of self-reflection for a while and though there may be better work for me elsewhere there is a reason why I'm here in the Bay Area. The theatre scene and just life in general is so different that I am adding more to my experience and tool box. Whether I'll get to use any of it is questionable. That's a rather pessimistic statement. It's kind of up to me to execute my skills, ain't it?

Gosh, there's that pro-activity again.

Sigh.

It's not even 8am and I have a bit of drive right now. There's potential on the horizon, I can just feel it. I'm staying in the Bay Area to grow as an artist and truly experience this coast. I just cannot be passive about it. Tony's subletter, Jerald is a go-getter. I need to take some lessons from him. I need to let go of the things that are not serving me, figure out what makes me happy and just go for it!

Wow, this post is much more inspirational than I thought. I guess I should get out of bed, grab some coffee and jump into my day.

Boo-yeah!

Gratitudes:
1. skills
2. comforts of home
3. a summer full of projects
4. a credit card with points
5. fresh food

Answers and questions

When I graduated from grad school my goal was to stay in the area to perform and teach. One of my professors suggested to go that route instead of falling back on my administrative talents. My time in the Bay area has actually been a mix of all three. It has been a struggle largely because there has been mostly administrative work and little creative work. And let's not get started on the financial rewards.

Today was solely performance and teaching. Well, rehearsal and teaching orientation. And on the way home I was happy. I would love to say that I am finally in a good place, but that may be jumping the gun a bit. I will say that on am certainly on the path to life being good.

While I had a questionable performance experience with The ChatRoulette Show last week, I had a fun time at FrontLine's benefit a week ago. And even though we just started rehearsals for The Real Thing yesterday, it feels really good. I am excited about performing again. Table work made me giddy and the people in the room are all talented and happy to be there. Better yet, my director brain was not engaged. I was thinking completely like an actor. I left rehearsal and I headed to the orientation for the first of two 2-week camps with Cal Shakes. The vibe was so positive. It was a complete community.

It made me realize that I made a good decision about my summer. While teaching at UC Davis for both summer sessions and the potential job at UC Berkeley would have paid me more money, I am so glad I decided to do the show with Livermore Shakes and piece together the camp teaching at Cal Shakes and MTC.

The only sucky thing is that gas is getting more expensive and there is going to be lots of driving.

In the meantime, there are some things I am grateful for:
1. sweet lap cats
2. an open bottle of wine
3. free coffee at the hotel where we rehearse
4. sunny skies
5. enthusiastic people

To Perform or Not to Perform

is still the question. I guess I should not be asking that for realsies as I begin rehearsals tomorrow for The Real Thing and have a small gig with When You Hit Your Funny Bone at CounterPULSE in the fall. I am completely tired from Chauncey's dance class this afternoon followed by volunteering about The Marsh SF and then CounterPULSE to see Scott Well's current show. So, I will ruminate on my question and it's answer on my BART ride home tomorrow.

In the meantime, let's talk gratitude:
1. possibilities
2. yummy ravioli that I made when I got home this evening
3. storytellers
4. a roommate/subletter who CLEANS!
5. having skills that people need (but getting paid for them is another story)

sigh.

Funny AND sexy??!!

Last night I put on some fine duds and full make-up to perform at a benefit for a new theatre company that some friends started. It was in the lobby of the theatre they're renting for the show. For a Monday night in Fort Mason it did not draw the crowds they hoped, but as Ara (one of the founders) said, for every patron that's 7 more dollars that we didn't have before. I love that positivity. And Ara has that in spades.

The benefit gave me a good opportunity to perform an excerpt of When You Hit Your Funny Bone again. Ara started the show by singing some lovely songs from the 1930s. They were campy at times, and she was truly funny, but the audience was quiet. Well, Randy and I laughed in the back, but when I asked Kati if the audience was smiling, she said no. That worried me lots. I really needed the verbal support from the small crowd and thankfully when my turn came I just reached in and took it.

Not very subtle.

My original plan was to do a bit of the Laugh Score, speak and dance the Humor definition, tell the cowboy joke, repeat the humor dance and then go into One for the Ladies. However with my schedule yesterday I did not have time to rehearse the humor work. So I cut it. I thought through the transitions, but never physicalized them. I think it worked out okay, but it would have been stronger if I would have rehearsed it.

Ara used piano accompaniment for her songs so I asked him to play a small intro before I started laughing. It was a little clunky, but since we never worked before it was fine. I think I came on too strong and did not offer enough variety of sound, rhythm and quality all around. But keeping it positive, it was fun to do it and I had some nice conversations with folks afterwards. There were a few that thanked me for the laughter and another that spoke about the "pu pu and pee pee platter" just not being good.

Needless to say I am excited to jump back in and since I let my current musician go, I am now in search of another collaborator.

Welcome back

There has been a lot and a little. But mostly I have just not been motivated to write. I have been working my tushie off and I really do see things changing. More importantly I took a day off and took a day trip with Christine, Genia and Christine's childhood friend, Rachel. It was a lovely day up to Sebastopol and then on to Bodega Bay. Wonderful food, amazing scenery and great company.

With that in mind, I am grateful for:
1. good friends
2. lovely weather
3. people who appreciate my hard work
4. chances to perform
5. being close to the water

Just Call Me...

There's no reason on Earth that I should still be up. I have been going non-stop since 8:15am and I hit my brain freeze about 4 hours ago. I guess I am stubborn. And just don't want to leave the couch. As I proceed on my path I have started asking myself "how does that serve me?" If it doesn't I have started the process of letting go. I am tired of struggling, so I need things that either pay the bills or feed my soul.

Hopefully both.

However these decisions are hard, so what I've wanted to do almost all day is just hide away. I wondered what would happen if I just stopped answering my phone. There were a series of people who needed me today, but I just didn't want it. I wanted to play and relax. I did get a little bit of down time with Christine and Genia today. And I have to say that was awesome. I also took Christine up on her offer to be my Life Coach and me hers. I think it's a good match and there will be no money exchanging hands. We know each other so well and can really challenge each other. I am a little worried about what will come next. I feel like I'm on another precipice. (Oh gosh, I spelled that right!) And the next 6 months will be truly telling.

Here's to them!

Gratitiudes:
1. sunny skies
2. Christine and her friendship
3. good music
4. cooking skillz
5. DVR

I Need a Life Coach

I think I am starting to run around in circles. And just think, that's what dogs do - and we laugh. For what it's worth, that's not a good sign. I hoped that there would be more clarity during grad school, but I honestly don't think I'm closer to a goal. I'm not getting any younger and I'm too experienced and talented to still be struggling. So, I think there will be some major decisions made in the months to come. I need to figure out my true passion. What gives me the most joy and just do it. No excuses. My problem is that I keep getting distracted along the way.

At the Ecstatic Dance Anniversary at the Sweet Ballroom in Oakland I saw these people who consider dance as their church. It felt like they just HAD to dance. I did enjoy it, but I would have been just as happy to watch. Once I did get dancing and truly let loose a natural smile came over my face and I understood why people congregate there every Sunday. It's not that I suddenly felt like I had to make this a weekly ritual, but there was awareness in the power of dance.

I need to find what does that for me.

I again avoided working on the Definitions section of Funny Bone and updating my Invoices. Instead I started to clean my email inbox and work on Laughter is a River. I will get up early to do a little work and then head into the city for a Greenleaf delivery. I hope to do a little Nathan work if the Casual Carpool cooperates and gets me in to SF with time to spare.

The running continues.

Gratitudes:
1. the return to flossing
2. Randy for joining me on pizza & beer and listening to my concerns
3. kind words
4. Mary for trust in my experience and opinion
5. change a-comin'