The Good and the Bad

When I was in Atlanta, every time I entered the second week of rehearsal for any show I was in, I hit a wall. I started questioning why I was cast and doubting my abilities. Thankfully it never appeared in grad school. However, now that I am back doing straight plays, I has reared it's ugly head.

I fail to remember what the last show was that I felt this way. Not Voices Underwater and not Women + War, I don't think. But I believe definitely on Anne Frank: Within and Without and The Sex Habits of American Women. And actually my last show - On the Town there was a smidge of it when I struggled with lines - and my scene partner.

The first week is just peachy. I come into the process with that energy of entitlement. There's a reason I was cast now I need to just do my work. However, once the play starts cracking open and all of the actors are making discoveries at different rates the confidence is shaken up a bit. In the case of my current show, The Real Thing I see some of my fellow actors taking the reigns and just running. I feel slow. Like I have not made equal strides and that I never will. I sat back on my confidence instead of using its momentum forward. It's a horrible place to be. For not only do I have to catch up, I have to jump over this horrible mental obstacle. And then there is the disappointment from my castmates - whether that be real or imagined. So, you see - obstacles.

The good news is that I recognize it and know that I have overcome these in the past. I just have to stop beating myself up about it. Secondly, these are some issues in the play itself. In fact my character, Charlotte says to her ex-husband, Henry,

You think making a commitment is it. Finish. You think it set like a concrete platform and it'll take any strain you want to put on it. You're committed. You don't have to prove anything. In fact, you can afford a neglect..."

But as we find out, you cannot. I guess this is a little issue of mine. Well, maybe it's not so little. That's the bad news. I am a bit of a 'Henry' right now. Or for a while. I seem to have lost that drive a bit. Or perhaps the skills to dig deeper. Or is the universe trying to put these blocks in front of me so I abandon performing once and for all and make a greater difference in administrations and education?

I did not feel any of this in grad school, largely because my confidence level was up. I was a big fish in a small pond. I was not challenged largely by those around me. I did not have to fight for roles in either year. I was an actor solely and I didn't have to worry about from where my next pay check was coming. That was exciting. I think I will make some tea and start to do a little digging in the script before I head to teach. Time to pick up the reigns.