Why does this take so long?

I am in the process of applying for my first faculty position and the application process is for the most part all online. Except the recommendation part. They say that you can add them online, but I have not figured out how to do that, so I asked my three ladies to mail them directly.

I posted my resume and CV right away, but this cover letter thing is kicking my ass. Mostly because I have to include a personal statement AND teaching philosophy within the letter.

Yeah, butt kicker.

So, today I was in my pajamas on the couch re-writing my cover letter based on the excellent comments of Sarah Raskin. I pretty much threw out much of the meat of the letter and started over. I will hopefully finish draft 2 tomorrow and then I can send it to Trent Blanton.

Sigh.

I did take a few breaks to eat and then this evening I got dressed and out of the house to head to The Albatross for trivia. I nursed one beer and then had a soda water since I only had $7 to spend, but I am glad that I didn't drink more since I have not been all that active.

I took a yoga class on Saturday that kicked my ass and am seriously considering taking a 200 hour yoga certification course. It's 5 months long - from January through May. The price is decent and it's on Sundays and ever other Saturday.

I am a little munchie right about now, but I think I will suck it up and just go to bed. There's Viennetta in the freezer calling my name, but I will stick my fingers in my ears and tune it out.

In the meantime, I must be grateful for something. Here's the list...

1. friends who kick ass at trivia - that be you Kati Voluntine

2. good yoga teachers

3. Sarah Raskin, for giving me feedback on my letter

4. my parents for being super supportive

5. window screens - and the lovely weather in berkeley today

More thanks!

After getting a number of texts this morning and seeing all of the Thanksgiving status updates, I really wanted to keep things quiet. I don't need to shout my thanks in a mass way. Sure, adding it to my blog is not so "quiet," but it's certainly not as read as all things Facebook and Twitter.

Today, I am going to see my crazy aunt and her new boyfriend and his daughter-in-law's family. For the time being, I am sitting on the couch watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I read last year's post and surprisingly enough really don't miss being in NY much. But gosh, what a different time it was last year.

The weather is lovely here in Berkeley, and the weather in NY is kinda similar. Sunny in the mid 50s. I will probably do a bit of clean up before I take a shower and head to Mill Valley. But in honor of the day and my daily practice. Here are my gratitudes:

1. good friends, namely Chris Aquino who delivered a nice happy birthday gift for me last night

2. a comfortable place to live

3. job possibilities coming

4. an almost healed ankle

5. 2 official blog followers - my friends Shane Vickers and Randy Symank

Happy Thanksgiving!

G is for Gratitude

Have a nice full day today which is a little hard on little sleep from crazy cat hacking and irritable cramps. However, I realized that I did not post gratitudes in my last two posts. I have also not been good about drinking water and don't even get me started on flossing.

Here's to a little nippity nap before I head over to The Beat and learn the front desk in order to do their work study.

Things for which I am grateful:

1. pleasant weather

2. supportive friends - most recently old friend, Andy Smith

3. people that know how to bake - and share the fruits of their labors

4. wifi

5. a healing ankle and a good physical therapist

Monday without a Plan

I went out with my buddy Praba on Saturday night. We picked up two of her close friends and went into the Mission to an art gallery benefit. Since last week was a no (or light) spend week I looked a pretty art and smiled at those that could pay $1000 for an auctioned piece right now. After that we went to a birthday party and after Praba drank a little much after being sick she was down for the count. After some political conversation and silly "exercises" I finally got a ride back to Praba's at 4:30AM.

Yes, folks, it's been a long time since I was out that late. Even on Halloween I was asleep by then.

Needless to say it completely screwed up my sleep schedule. Asleep by 5AM, up to feed the cats at 7:30PM, back to bed and up at 1PM. 1PM! Who am I Tony Shayne?

Kidding.

So, last night, good luck getting into bed before 2AM. I could have, but I got the munchies at midnight after seeing Ara's show at ODC. So, I had a little Thai food from Tuk Tuk and watched the Next Iron Chef - then Chopped. Then bed!

So this morning, it was a little difficult to wake up for my CalShakes audition. I did and the bike ride over there was good for the body and soul. My audition was okay. It took me a while to get in. I started with my Twelfth Night ring speech and I couldn't get the funny flowing. I did use the frustration as I jumped into the Lady Anne from Richard III, so at least I ended on a good note.

And now, that leaves the rest of my Monday open. I think there is a magnet on my butt that finds it's match on the couch, for I find myself here quite a lot. Maybe it's because the living room is one of the cleaner rooms in the house and my bedroom is a mess.

Yes, I could clean today.

Okay, first breakfast and THEN cleaning.

What about the Risk?

yeah, i forgot about that, too. the fact that i have avoided risk and played it safe lately. okay, maybe i am healing and needed a little break, but the proactivity is lacking.

i think about this as i apply for my first faculty position and i'm struggling with the cover letter.

and then here's the end of today's google horoscope...

"Don't settle on being average now; you can accomplish more if you dare to reach for the stars."

sigh.

i mean, here i come.

bitches!

Well, he's got...

high expectations.

Or maybe that's just me. I have high expectations.

There I said it.

When people or situations disappointed me in years past, I got very angry. Usually this was around friendship. So, once I realized that my standards were unreasonable, I eased up. It was very freeing.

It has been a very difficult transition for me moving from Davis to Berkeley. Mostly because I could not get a routine started. And while I am not a 9 to 5 kinda gal, I do like repetition. The collegiate schedule was ideal. Mondays and Wednesdays were the same and Tuesday and Thursday were something different.

But anyway, expectations.

While I have not gotten angry when expectations have not been met, there is still disappointment. I have been a little quiet for the last few weeks. I blamed it in an earlier post on others not caring. However, that's not true. That's not it at all. I stand my the opinion that people are busy, but it has nothing to do with not caring. People just need a little jog. A little nudge. A phone call.

So, whoever said a few months ago (and another who said it last week) you are absolutely correct. I need to be more proactive. I need to go out of my way and do more. I need to at times be relentless. I need to let go of expectations.

Gratitudes:

1. friends in Davis

2. a nice ride

3. kind former students

4. enough complimentary ingredients to make a soup

5. abc full episode player (yes, I'm caught up on Grey's Anatomy!)

Tick, tock

I got home from Christine's house at 11:15PM and just had to watch the Top Chef that I recorded on DVR. Midway through I got a little peckish and made a little snack that I have been doing fairly regularly - a flour tortilla with sabra spicy hummus with some fresh spinach. Um, yummy!

It's now 12:26AM and I would love to go to sleep, but with a belly doing it's digestive thing, I feel like I need to wait. I am not sure if my mother ever said anything about not going to sleep on a full stomach, but I do feel that there is some maternal figure sitting on my shoulder right now. So yes, I'll wait.

I have been doing pretty good about updating my blog recently and with the friends checking in, I also had two others contacting me about reading my blog. I really have been writing just for me, however, it's nice to see that others are engaged to read along. It's been a while since I thought I may make a buck on my blog, but I am glad that my saga is worthy of taking a few minutes out of some uber busy days.

I'm heading to Davis tomorrow afternoon to catch up with friends and see the Granada offerings for this quarter. I know I will be spending some moolah tomorrow, but hopefully unemployment will come in next week.

Gratitudes:

1. friends with jobs who buy groceries for dinner

2. a yoga pass - on class 2 of 3

3. the Food Network

4. loving kitties

5. the hot water bottle christine gave me almost 2 years ago

Take that, bitches!

Yesterday, I got up and prepped to bike to City of Berkeley parking violations office followed by my temp agency. Huffing and puffing up Addison I got a flat tire. Since my emotions are so fragile right now I just about lost it. I was going to walk home and hide under the covers. However I locked my bike at St. Joseph the Worker church since I figured no one would steal a bike a church and I walked the remainder of the way.

Things did not end well as I fought my ticket and I wound up bawling when I had to pay the $50 fine. Okay, maybe not bawling, but it was close to a sob. The officer passed me a tissue box and I felt ridiculous. I felt like I had explain myself and said "I've had a string of bad luck lately." The officer apologised which left the door open for me to say, "I am not sure what the universe is trying to tell me." She responded with something about things turning around and I simply said, "I don't think so."

I put my sunglasses on and took my pride with me as I walked home. Luckily I brought my ipod shuffle with some Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me and The Moth podcasts, so as I passed my locked bike and found myself back on my doorstep, I was feeling better.

I drove to the temp office where I returned the silverware I had from the office where I worked for the last 3 weeks as well as turned in my time sheet. I was also able to fax the necessary forms to the Unemployment Office in Sacramento.

When I got home things started to turn around. I got a call from my friend Damon Boggess checking in on me. He had just come home from an audition for The Vampire Diaries. A show on the CW. Join me in keeping my fingers crossed that Damon is the the next Mayor of Vampiretown. While on the phone with him, my friend (and UC Davis PhD candidate) Praba Pilar called to check in on me and today I got yet another call from my good friend Sarah Raskin. She was with me while I ate lunch AND took a bath. She is finishing up her PhD at UA Tucson and has quite a plan in the next few years. Studying the health care in Appalachia. Here's to her getting the funding she needs, as well as her hubby John finding a job close by. Needless to say, it was great to receive these calls and catch up. After feeling like I do not have a support group, I do feel better. I was always afraid to live alone since just in case something happened, no one would ever know. However, I know that's not true.

On more positive news after sending injuries at a number of catering companies and applying for an education manager position I had 2 interviews today. A phone interview for the Eduction Manager job and a quick in-person interview for the catering company. They both went well and in fact, I just got notification of a second interview for the education manager job. BAM!

After I got home from the catering company, I walked my bike to the Bike Workshop in the Berkeley Aquatic Park. They help you fix your own bike. So, I unfortunately went off the challenge to not spend any money, however the tube was only $3 and I gave a $2 donation. It felt amazing to be able to do it (mostly) by myself. My hands were grimy and dirty and now I know how to repair a flat. Not only that, but these guys were awesome. Good teachers with patient demeanors.

Here's hoping my luck is coming around. Maybe the cool henna design on my left foot is working it's magic!

Must. Stay. Positive.

I was not truly risky today, if you don't count going over the Bay Bridge these days. However yesterday and today I went into the city. Yesterday to the Food Bank on the south side and today to the Jewish Library in who knows where. Hold on, let me see what neighborhood it was... Western Addition/NOPA. I guess that's North of P.P.P um, Panhandle. Really???!

Anyway, I looked online for free events now that the money is not flowing and I found a free henna workshop. It was pretty uneventful, but I paired up with the woman next to me and I did her hand while she did my left foot. A request to do something "lucky" used. She went a little crazy and I was not able to put my shoe on to head home. I did put socks on when I got home and I just looked at the cracking paste and to be honest, it's a little wimpy. I was going to take a photo, but really it's not impressive.

I also decided to last as long as possible without spending ANY money. I have plenty of food in the kitchen. I may need to get creative, but I have lots to keep me going for at least 4 days, probably a whole week. For example, I had 2 rotting bananas, so I just made a banana bread. It's in the oven and smelling yummy. I forgot to butter the loaf pan, so we'll see what trouble that is. I cannot wait to have a piece with some peanut butter on top.

This is a much longer post than I anticipated. Here's what I thought it would be:

Gratitudes:

1. food in the kitchen and skills to cook them

2. working internet

3. reliable transportation

4. loving parents

5. a plethora of colorful scarves

Taking Risks.

I got home from work last night and poured myself a glass of wine and heated some leftovers. Around 8PM I grabbed my phone and noticed that I missed a call since I keep my phone on silent when temping. It was Kim from the temp agency giving me the very bad news that my assignment was immediately terminated.

Open mouth, shock.

As I look at my finances this week, I started to get a little nervous. Now I am just plain freaking out. I really hate that I was given no warning and while it hurts like hell to be let go, there was nothing I could have done to change anything. At least that's what Kim said. In fact, my supervisor was very complimentary and only gave me positive feedback on the job. It was just that she didn't feel it was a right fit.

It still hurts like hell and I was quite a mess last night. I sat on the couch with my second glass of wine and scoured all of my usual job hunting sites. I applied for numerous jobs - some catering jobs, an administrative part-time position a few blocks away and an education director post. I keep thinking about what I am supposed to gain from this area of the country. However after set back after set back it seems that the lesson I need to learn here in NorCal is the get the heck out of here.

I feel like I am back at NYU without a good support base. I am trying to make friends, but there is not a huge outlet and without much money and the state of my ankle, it's not like I can take classes. I signed up for some volunteer work today and when I got there, my name was not even on the list. It took every ounce of my being from not walking out the door. But I am not about to go back to that pity party.

My google horoscope today put things in perspective:

You often take the path of least resistance and choose stability over innovation. Now, however, you are being given new ways of responding to a familiar situation that has become a bit of a rut for you. Rather than repeating history, you are on the verge of breaking out of an old habit. Taking a risk isn't always advisable, but this time it should work in your favor.

Therefore I decided to expand my job search out of the area. I really wanted to make a go of it, but I don't think I can do it. There is also something about being close to my family that I miss. I'm sure things will make themselves clear in the next few weeks. Whether options come my way or I make some hard decisions.

Risky chances here I come.

Learning the Lessons

I really cannot believe I haven't written each day this week. I usually try to get an entry in while I'm temping, but I guess Wednesday came and went. It's Friday and my schedule is pretty light. I have been very good about cleaning the house, except for my bedroom. So tonight, if nothing comes up, I will be tackling that area.

This week was really great for many reasons. First is that I got my haircut and I feel so much better about myself. I have a bunch of weight to lose and muscle tone to regain, but I started biking to the BART station and taking yoga this week. And with watching my finances I can also watch my eating habits better.

Secondly, I FINALLY started physical therapy! My therapist, Dawn, pointed out all of these idiosynchrocies with the way I have been walking that may stem back to the original sprain in my teens that I never allowed to heal properly. She has given me all of these skills training to walk symmetrically and to build up muscles in areas that may have atrophied due to injury or improper healing.

While there is a bit of tweaking here and there - like my right knee and lateral side of my left ankle bothering me - I feel better as I walk. There is more mobility and gradually it will be joined by increased stability.

All in all a pretty magical thing.

And finally, last night Tony and I went to see the physical theatre company, DV8 at the Yerba Buena Center of the Arts. We were introduced to them in Della's CORE class our first year at Davis. And it was pretty remarkable stuff. They created projects for video. This was the first time I saw them live. They actually have not been to YBCA (and perhaps SF)in 12 years. The place was packed and I hear they are completely sold out for their run. They are adamant about starting on-time, so I actually got a call from the box office suggesting getting there early to pick up my tickets. Unfortunately the front of house staff was pretty rude about it, so hopefully Kati will make some improvements tonight.

They are currently touring a show called To Be Straight with You. It's a dance/theatre piece based on interviews with people around the subject of homosexuality in a muslim world. The movements were so dynamic and committed. The stories - while sometimes hard to understand - were complex and disturbing.

It made me think about using interviews to expand When You Hit Your Funny Bone. Interviewing people of all ages and ethnicities about what they find funny and why. Similarly to what I did with Marcie Millard and Chris Ensweiler. I even heard a mention of laughter on the radio the other day on some health care spot, Kaiser Permanente, maybe. So, I am toying with that idea, as well as the repetition or expanding of themes. Sitting on the toilet, toilet humor, the sound of peeing or pouring water...

It's now 2:26PM. Two hours after I started the original entry. Work tasks and a break for lunch later and here we are.

Gratitudes:
1. Passionate artists
2. chicken and waffles
3. physical therapy
4. a roof over my head
5. friends who like board games

I am Addicted

I stand before you confessing that I am addicted to word twist on facebook. i usually play with my friend mick in raleigh, nc. however i wind up challenging 2 atlanta actors (joe & eve) and a friend of rachel fowler's that is getting his law degree at uc davis (jake). when i log on to facebook i usually go to my active games first. if i see none, i am very unhappy.

i have been doing very well lately, however, today i lost both games. and i really am not upset because i just love the game. however, i play ALL THE TIME. I get very nervous when I play while I'm temping. I am certainly clicking along, so I look busy, however I get freaked out when someone else in the office passes behind my desk to go into the break room. I usually have to minimize the page quickly. Sometimes it costs me the round, however, sometimes I am able to quickly open the page when the coast is clear and resume playing.

I don't have any active games right now and I don't think I can wait long to start one. I really should be vacuuming and mopping, but I really prefer to sit on the couch and watch So You Think You Can Dance with my new haircut and my newly stretched out foot.

Gratitudes:
1. word twist (and mick for enjoying it as much as i do)
2. finding a new haircutter
3. a great physical therapist who pinpointed all the problems i've had in my legs
4. smart and passionate theatre education directors
5. loving kitties

This is not a Pity Party!

Since I am working, my ankle is healing and I have both a haircut and PT appointment tomorrow I am thinking that I am entering a new phase. The positive beginning of my time here in the East Bay. Due to my ankle injury, I have been on a negative spiral downwards. Sitting on the couch waiting for someone to help me.

Guess what? Nobody cares.

I am not being cynical here or pessimistic. It's just reality. A few weeks ago I forced myself into positive thinking. This caused me to get off my butt or at least in active mode. That's what I feel jump started me back up the path. Barbara Ehrenreich was on Jon Stewart recently and said that positive thinking was all a bunch of hooey. And I hereby stick my tongue out at good 'ol Barbara. Positivity works. And taking control. No one is crying with me. Everyone is too busy or too into their own shit. No judgment here, no loss of expectations - it's just what is. If I am not proactive, nothing will happen. Period.

I keep waiting for the universe to tell me what my time in California is supposed to give me. It does not feel like I am supposed to be here for the long haul, but the universe is not telling me squat. And I have been listening. Therefore I realized that I have to decide what I want.

On Saturday, I spoke with Suehyla on the phone and met with Praba for lunch. They both were very encouraging. Suehyla encouraged being pro-active with getting auditions and using any and all contacts. Praba suggested that I keep looking for theatre gigs, but truly start to create my own work. She also said that the quality of work here is on the lower side and after seeing what I do at Davis, she feels that I could do well here.

So, I brought my thesis script with me to work on my ipod and the new research continues. I am also starting the grant search, as well.

On the downside, my income is not really what it needs to be. I am just making ends meet and that's not good enough if I want to keep the savings account growing.

Mama's got a lot of work to do.

Early Sunday gratitudes

1. a super comfy couch
2. being surrounded by culture
3. being well enough to bike and walk
4. left overs
5. suehyla and her harsh realism and encouragement
6. praba for her support and enthusiasm
7. food at the mixing bowl in oakland

Rainy Friday

Okay, so I drove Tony to the N. Berkeley BART at 8:40AM this morning and decided to find a spot on the street and take BART to work early today. I treated myself to an egg sandwich next door and here I am doing very little.

My to-do list is staring me in the face. I hate that. I grabbed 3 headshots this morning, so I have three ready to go. I will head to the post office during lunch today. Unfortunately, that's all I can accomplish today. I should have brought my laptop to get all of the other stuff done or at least started - and now that I see the rain outside - an umbrella.

Yesterday was a full day, but no yoga - or at least no yoga class. I did do a little bit in the living room, but was afraid that I would be too tired with my foot throbbing and knowing that I had lots of walking ahead of me. I slept until about 10AM and we got on the road around 11:30AM. Dim sum was excellent at Hang Ahn in Chinatown and then we walked to SF Moma and toured the entire museum. It was nice to have that much time. Tony called his buds at the Opera and we swung by there to say hey and watch the first act of Otello. Quite a spectacle! The music was lovely and the sets and lights were quite nice. Not a huge fan of the costumes. We left at the intermission break in time to head back to Berkeley and grab some food before Tiny Kushner at Berkeley Rep.

We stopped at a little fast foody Hawaiian place on Shattuck. The food was not good. It was cheap, but I spent most of the time eating how to fix and improve my noodle soup. I think I will saute some onions and asparagus with some spicy chicken and see what that does.

The show last night was okay. It felt dated which is odd for a new show. The acting was good and the design elements were simple but the writing was all over the place. It needed editing. I know that Kushner is a pretty verbose writer, but still.

I am ushering for Kati on Saturday night at Yerba Buena for a dance show and then I hope to see Love's Labours at the Zellerbach on Sunday. I should call right now to see if they need ushers.

Rain rain go away! But in the meantime, here are my daily gratitudes:

1. theatre, music and dance so close
2. good dim sum
3. temperate weather, perfect for walking
4. gelato
5. Regina Spektor on my ipod

Twiddling the thumbs

Actually, I am not twiddling, but it's such a good words that it needed to be featured. In fact I just found myself tapping my fingers. You know one digit at a time - pinky to pointer finger? Nails making that tapping sound on the desk?

Yeah, that one.

It's super quiet here at work. I have not had anything to do for quite a few hours now and I was silly enough to not prep some of the things on my to-do list this morning.

I did do my bank deposit and mailed off my request for direct deposit from the temp agency, but everything else will have to wait until tomorrow or Friday.

The only other big thing is that I am looking to join another band. I am in communications with one in Oakland and am prepping songs for an audition on Wednesday. I am not sure if it's a good fit, but we will see soon enough. Their sound is more jazzy than Miss Lonely Hearts. Mostly original stuff, but I am prepping some covers.

Tomorrow I am having a fun day with Tony. Dim sum in the morning followed by a trip to SF Moma. I hope to tick another restaurant off my 7x7 Things to Eat Before You Die List. Then we are seeing Tiny Kushner at Berkeley Rep at night.

I was asked to work on Friday. So I'm taking it since my month of physical therapy begins next week and I will only be able to work 3 days a week.

So, here to more ticking, and less tapping and twiddling. Oh, and to a positive date tonight. Hope it's not too much to ask.

Gratitdues:
1. sunny skies
2. my ipod (for podcasts and music on my commute)
3. salted almonds
4. my nice looking nails - fingers and toes!
5. a job with a paycheck

List of To-Dos

As I sit here at my temp job, the task list is rather light. I am thankful for a job, but I do wish I had more to do. I finished up a task from yesterday and was busy for the first 2 hours I was here. It was really nice. It makes the day go fast.

I really don't have a good system in place to get some things ticked off my list. So, as I did before I left Atlanta, I will use this space to post what I have to do and places that I would like to visit.

Suggestions are always welcome.

TO DO
1. Send headshots to Jewish Theatre, Aurora, the Magic and ACT
2. Prep my audition for Cal Shakes
3. Schedule time to see Boom, Wicked and Three Penny (Shotgun Players)
4. Send teaching information to UC Berkeley T&D, Alice Project
5. Do in-person hearing for Berkeley parking ticket
6. Pay PG&E bill
7. Finish Dada report for the City of Davis
8. Make bank deposit

TO TRY
1. Gregoire's
2. a good sushi place in the East Bay
3. 7th Heaven Yoga
4. Yoga to the People
5. The Yoga Room

And my gratitudes:
1. Arts and culture close by
2. good friends
3. a steady (though part-time) job
4. a PT appointment & a healing foot/ankle
5. lovely weather, for November or anytime

Missing the Welcome

Back at the temp job and I finally feel like I have my groove. It's amazing how much more comfortable I feel after creating ritual. While sometimes I surprise myself with changing plans, I really am a creature of habit. That does not go for restaurants since I rarely go to a watering hole twice, but still. This is a little bit of an epiphany for me. I had a jaunt in my step as I walked from the bus to the office. And more of an awareness of my comfort level as I came back from Starbucks with a pound of ground and a free cuppa joe and a scone. As a Taurus, lots of times I am listed as stubborn. I really don't think that's true. Maybe because stubborn sounds so hard and fast. And I don't think I hold on to the rituals so tightly, but change does hurt. Maybe there's another word. Ah, thesaurus, what do you got?

Firmly, often unreasonably immovable in purpose or will: adamant, adamantine, brassbound, die-hard, grim, implacable, incompliant, inexorable, inflexible, intransigent, iron, obdurate, relentless, remorseless, rigid, unbendable, unbending, uncompliant, uncompromising, unrelenting, unyielding.

Yeah, these are too strong. I don't think I am that fixed.

I went back to Davis yesterday with Tony to see the first department show of the year and get my fill of all you can eat sushi. There is a sense of ease with Davis, but it's start to feel like the past. It is certainly nice to go back and see familiar faces. Again, nice. Maybe it's because I am welcomed there and things are a little colder in my new life. I miss the welcome.

Okay, that's all well and good, but what does that mean? I guess I need to get out and find those that will welcome me. That are familiar. I think I will research yoga classes close by.

Om.