Emotional Mess

My freak outs have turned in the last day or so. They are now bordering on emotional messes. I have a build up of anxiety and start sobbing. I am currently in one of those as I type. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there's still lots to do. I really should just take a quick nap to maybe ease the emotion, since I have not been sleeping well.

I did just check the early blog entries to see if I experienced similar emotions upon leaving Atlanta and it does not seem that I did. There is this entry which seems to be the closest to the barometer of my mental state, but honestly I cannot remember. I do remember crying on that last day as Jennifer Levison drove me to meet my mother at the airport. I also remember being a mess as I was deciding to step down from Synchronicity. But honestly, my departure was long. I had time to plan, knew where I was going and where my money was coming from and had an apartment in Davis super early.

I think the anxiety here comes from the unknown and the fact that I am moving so fast. Paying lots to rent a small apartment THAT I GOT 2 DAYS AGO (just over a WEEK from my move date) without any source of income. There's still the trepidation of disliking NYC 20 years ago before moving to Atlanta. I was just unhappy. And while I'll be closer to my family, that didn't help me then.

A few people have said that I am making a great decision - and they can only see happiness for me.

I certainly hope so.

Gratitudes:
1. bits of sun
2. snuggly kitties
3. having an apartment in NY
4. a nice farewell from the catering set
5. yeah, that's all I got.

Pack it Out!

So the movers came this morning and my major belongings are out of my apartment. There was room, so I sent my armoire and night stand. I made the mistake of watching part of the Oscars prior to the guys arriving. If I was not already emotional, the epic music and oscar moment totally got me. I mean, I was already primed, but still.

The move went well. Four guys showed up and hauled my shit outta here. There were nice and experienced and then I paid them. I am now sitting in a mess of things I will bring on the plane and stuff I will be selling or giving away. It's a little daunting, but I have 6 days to finish it before I leave this little hobbit hole for good. I just tried to take a photo, but the battery is dead on my camera and I cannot find the charger.

I finally sat and ate some leftover thai noodles and will now head out to deal with printing, signing a lease, getting certified checks. I am dragging my feet a bit, but I know it will be easy, peasy.

I am looking forward to the little gathering tonight with some of the catering gang, plus Tony and Randy. Needless to say, I need a little cocktail to say the least.

Woot!

Anxiety Attack of the Move

I really do think the worst of it is over. I had today and much of tomorrow to get all of my belongings boxed up, however the moving company called around 4PM and asked if I would mind moving the pick up to 10AM instead of the scheduled window of 1-4PM. Being the martyr that I am, I hemmed and hawed but finally agreed. I started getting an anxiety attach so, I then called back to try and take it back, but no go.

With all of the energy I could muster I spent the day packing. I don't remember eating much and I now know what dehydration feels like. It's not like I didn't want to take a break, there was just no desire. There was too much to do.

I live in a super small apartment so it's a challenge to get around and pack and sort. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have lots to do before I'm done.

1. Get more boxes and some packing tape
2. Finish getting clothes and kitchen items in boxes
3. Sell my furniture
4. Bring my donation items - or schedule a pick up
5. Clean out my car
6. Get my car smogged

I think I will hit the hay and wake up early, refreshed.

Gratitudes:
1. Ayla and Angela for listening to me freak out and talking me down
2. laundry in my building
3. take-out food close by
4. neighbors who don't complain with me leaving furniture and boxes out in the hallway
5. My sister-in-law who agreed to be my guarantor for my NY apartment even though I didn't need it.

T-minus 8 Days!

I head on a plane headed East a week from tomorrow. I have had numerous little freak outs, but there has been lots of progress.

1. I have an apartment. I will be living on the border of Hamilton Heights and Washington Heights on the Upper, Upper West Side of Manhattan. I certainly feel at ease, but not the elation I had when I got approved for the Inwood unit.
2. I sold my car. I got $750 less my asking price. Transfer happens on Thursday.
3. I sold one bookshelf last night and one should go today. Bethany decided not to take my sofa bed, so I put that up on Craigslist just now. Along with the couch, I have my armoire, night table and coffee table that still need good homes.
4. Packing is coming along. Slowly but surely. The movers will be here tomorrow between 1 and 4PM, so I have 24 hours to get my ass in gear and my stuff in boxes.

I have continued to apply for jobs, but my energy has been elsewhere - or just scattered. The trip to Yosemite was great and now I really have to keep moving.

Literally!

Tales from Yosemite

I am trying to tackle a number of Bay Area things before I head out in just over a week. I still do not have an apartment, but will put in an application tomorrow for a unit on W. 156th Street.

I played hooky again over the weekend and went to Yosemite with Randy. We left super early on Saturday and got back this afternoon. It was a whirlwind tour of hiking, laughter and lots of muscle soreness. We checked into the hotel in Mariposa around 10:30AM and then drove to Yosemite.

We parked at the Visitors Center around noon and walked around the little village before hopping on the shuttle bus with our trusty map and some recommendations. The guide in the center suggested we take the The Mist Trail. After a pit stop, we hit the trail around 1PM.

Here's the description from the website (edited):

Distance: 3 miles (4.8 km) round trip to Vernal Fall, 7 miles (11 km) round trip to Nevada Fall. 

Elevation at trailhead: 4,000 feet (1,200 meters) Elevation Gain: 1,000 feet (300 meters) to top of Vernal Fall; 1,900 feet (580 meters) to top of Nevada Fall

Why Hike the Mist Trail?
This is Yosemite's signature hike. While many of Yosemite's trails are popular due to having a single spectacular destination, the Mist Trail has fabulous views scattered all along it, beginning at the bridge overlook, progressing to two unforgettable waterfalls that fall a combined total of more than 900 feet (270 meters), and ending with perhaps the most striking of all: the view of Nevada Fall, Liberty Cap, and the back of Half Dome from the Muir Trail return segment. 

Hiking Time: 2 - 5 hours, depending on how far you go

Scenery Factor: Sublime. You can get covered-with-spray close to two of Yosemite's rock-star waterfalls, and the view looking back from the Muir Trail is just as remarkable as the trail up the falls. 

Crowd Factor: Heavy to the top of Vernal Fall, especially when the water is high. The crowds thin out considerably if you continue to the top of Nevada Fall, although several trails intersect at the top of this fall, so you won't be alone there.

Difficulty: Medium, but bordering strenuous if you go all the way to the top of Nevada Fall. The stretches beside Vernal and Nevada Falls are both quite steep - in fact, the last few hundred meters up the Vernal Falls trail are stairs cut into the cliffside. If you need a gentler workout, you can just proceed as far as the bridge looking upstream to Vernal Fall without exerting yourself quite so much.

The guide actually suggested The Mist Trail AND THEN an easier hike afterwards. We planned to do this and then come back to the park the following day for a 6-8 hour strenuous hike.

Yeah, that did not happen...

We were such shutter bugs that we went fairly slow up to Vernal Fall. Then I was just plain slow. We kept an eye on the time since we knew that sun set was at 5:48PM. Never in a millions years would we have thought the hike would have taken us OVER 5 HOURS! We stopped a few times, but the stretch between Vernal and Nevada Falls was a killer. I was sweaty and hot, but when I eased the pace, I got super cold. I think I said "Damn!" about 5 times as I huffed and puffed up the steep rock. In fact, I don't have any photos once it got more difficult. We reached the top of Nevada Fall around 4:30PM and while I wanted to hang up there, we had time for an apple and some chocolate before we bundled up for our haul back.

There were two times that we got turned around, but the second is what cost us. We accidentally took the longer Winter Route back down once we crossed the bridge close to Vernal Fall. This lead us over a huge icy patch and up into the mountain. I told Randy that it didn't look familiar, but we kept going. Once we realized where we were, we decided to try the new path. As the sun was starting to set, we realized there was a good chance that we would lose the light. It would be safer for us to take a route we knew rather than following something unknown. So, we picked up the pace and headed back down the mountain. I slipped twice, but luckily my bruises were minimal. I was starting to get super nervous and didn't want to move too fast for fear of tripping and falling or hurting my ankle.

We got back on the known path around 5:45PM and then the truckin' started. Luckily, we had enough light to make it down the more treacherous stair sections around Vernal Fall, but once we crossed the first bridge overlook it was pretty much dark. We could see the light of the moon a bit and then we had to use the Flashlight app on Randy's iphone.

There were a few times were we saw something in our path - not knowing if it was a rock, a stump or a sleeping cub. With walking sticks in hand, we kept moving. Luckily by the time the sun completely set we were on the paved part of the trail. Adrenaline was flowing and we were moving at a crisp pace. We thought the last shuttle was at 7PM and we certainly didn't want t miss it. We wound up getting to the stop at 6:30PM and were elated that we got there in one piece and full of a sense of accomplishment. My sweaty shirt was getting colder by the minute and with shaky legs, we eventually boarded the bus back to the parking area. Again Randy's flashlight came in handy for it was pitch black leading from the road into the parking lot. However, that opened our eyes to the most amazing sky.

Truly.

I don't remember the last time I was able to see that many stars. The constellations were so clear, so vibrant.

We ate lots at a diner in Mariposa and I had a celebratory beer.

Lots to be grateful for:
1. time for a road trip
2. living in a beautiful country - and a beautiful part of the country
3. my car
4. a great travel buddy
5. chocolate

Overwhelmed

Not too much more to report. Things are coming along on all fronts. Offer on the car and some potential apartments but nothing settled yet. I took yesterday morning off. I was supposed to go to Alcatraz with Ayla, but tickets were sold out. Instead we took one of the City Guide walking tours of North Beach. It was the Tastes and Tales of North Beach and while there were WAY too many people, it was still enjoyable. We continued the "person of leisure" day by stopping at one of the many outdoor cafes on Columbus to have a beer and some fried calamari. It was a well needed break from the craziness.

When I got to my restaurant shift last night, all of the ease I found during the day quickly faded. It was a trying shift and it makes me realize why I don't normally do restaurant work. It sucked.

But the sun is shining today again and I work a double catering. A delivery in the morning and an event tonight, plus a drive to Palo Alto. This may be my last full service event so even though I know we won't get a tip (since I've worked for this client twice before) I will make the best of it all.

Did I already say the sun is shining?

Yeah, the sun is shining.

Gratitudes:
1. ibruprofen at the ready
2. a cold beer on a warm day
3. a warm day - in February
4. time to walk
5. leftovers

3, 2, 1...Freak out!

Yes, folks. The freak out has officially begun. It was a mistake to call my parents to let them in on that little tidbit, so I may need to wallow for a few moments before I keep moving.

I did just get an email of interest in my media cabinet, but I brought my car into a service station on request of a buyer and it has $700 worth of repairs. A new battery and a new strut casing. My mother did say that I could stay with them until I find a place, so that's helpful. Not ideal, but I don't think we are looking at ideal right now.

Okay, laundry, finding moving boxes and then perhaps Sherlock will have downloaded.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

This Time Next Week #1

This time next week, I will be sitting in an emptier apartment. Most of the belongings I am taking to NY will be picked up next Monday. Too bad I still don't know where they will be delivered. The rest of my belongings will travel on the plane with me, my mother and my two furry nubbins. That will give me a week to sell or give away my furniture and other items.

I contacted Agent #2 Bouchra this morning. I spoke with her and Agent #1, Tara at just about the same time 2 weeks ago. Tara found something that I would love and I stopped my contact with Bouchra. I explained to Bouchra my situation this morning and she asked which unit I applied for and got bumped. She then told me that her client moved into said apartment last week.

No shit.

So, it seems that the management wanted an extra 2 weeks of rent and perhaps was happier with the other renters financial docs. Either way, I told Bouchra that that cannot happen again. I sent her some disclosure and fee forms which she confirmed getting, however nothing else. I hope that the lack of communication is due to Presidents Day today and not the fact that there are no listings.

I spent the rest of the day grocery shopping and cooking some promised meals for Christine. She had her baby 4 days ago and once I was done cooking some baked ziti with meat sauce, veggie stirfy, baked chicken, sweet potatoes and asparagus I headed up to Sausalito. Baby Goga is a little old man. He's super cute and was quiet and sleeping most of the time I was there. However after 4 hours, I felt like I was intruding. She did invite me to stay for dinner, but it didn't feel right, so I left. I had some leftovers and just scarfed down some ice cream.

Delish.

I should be doing my laundry, but I think I may pass and get into bed early.

Some gratitudes:
1. My friend Maria. She is awesome and I owe her some private yoga sessions - or anything she wants...
2. Beautiful views in the Bay
3. a sleeping baby
4. a cheapie grocery store close by
5. owning an awesome car - for just a little longer

One Step Forward, One Step Back

Well, the zen in me has overridden the freak out. But still I have not been able to write. I found out on the 15th that I got the Inwood apartment that I put in for on the 8th, but then heard on the 17th that there were 2 of us that were both approved and they had to honor the "first one." I am not sure really what happened and I have a feeling that it's underhanded. So I am now back to square one.

Silent fuming, confusion, loud rage, silence

It's an infuriating place to be since I really thought that one of the major puzzle pieces was solved. I have been contacting more agents and scouring for more apartments, but got into an argument with agent #3 on Friday and almost got scammed by someone on Craigslist today. Maria is available to see another Inwood apartment, but agent #4 is not responding to emails in a timely manner. There may also be an apartment in Astoria, but agent #5 is not sure if it's still available. According to Kelley and my astrology chart, something better is around the bend, but then again something "interesting" will happen in the next 9-10 days. When I asked "interesting good, or interesting bad?" she just replied, "interesting."

Either way, I am not a fan. I don't need interesting right now. This Taurus needs stability and assuredness.

On a more positive note, I do have a good number of people interested in my car and I sold my old printer yesterday and Bethany from the catering company is interested in my couch. So, yes things are happening and I need to vigilant. I have just lost a bit of steam.

Some great culture, however. I saw Pina in 3D yesterday with Ayla and it was stunning. A truly wonderful showing of Pina Bausch's work. Last night I cooked dinner for Randy and Tony and after a heated Boggle game, we all crashed in my hobbit hole. We got up this morning, I made coffee and we all washed my dishes! That was a pleasure! And after showing my car to a young kid who had no idea how to make a deal or negotiate we grabbed burritos before heading to Alameda.

I have wanted to go to St. George Spirits for over a year now. And instead of heading to Davis for sushi, Tony suggested we head there. We did a tasting at 12:30PM and then took the 1PM tour. St. George is the maker of Hangar One vodkas and other spirits. We tried a few eau de vies, amazing gins, a bourbon, 2 vodkas, a few brandies and then their absinthe. We learned during the tasting that it's protocol to place your glass over the line on the bar to show that you are finished and ready for the next tasting. The guy who would eventually be our guide said to Tony that he didn't want to accidentally pull our glasses if we were not finished because he had a feeling that Tony could be violent and that I was a hitter. I think he was trying to be funny, but I have had the desire to punch people in the face lately. Anyway, the tour was great, the views were stellar and dang these folks know how to distill some amazing booze. It was a great visit.

Tomorrow I will get up early and head to Grocery Outlet to buy groceries to make some family dinners for Christine. She gave birth over the weekend and I promised a few meals. I will continue to apply for jobs, sell my crap and secure an apartment.

I may just have to stop at BevMo to get a St. George product since perhaps I may need a little more than zen to keep me from hitting.

T-minus 21

We're getting close folks, and I have yet to freak out.

Yet.

I really do feel there will be a yet. I still have not heard back from the management company about my application on the Seaman apartment. I left a fairly stern message with Tara and got a call back from her broker. I may just deal with him now. I do hope to hear something tomorrow. On the more positive front I did get a temporary job for the week after I move. Actually training happens the day after I fly in. It's for Spoons Across America and their Agricultural Literacy program. Basically I get paid to go into classrooms and read a book on how food grows. It's pretty great. I do wonder if this one opportunity will lead to more work.

I have not had any bites on my furniture, but a number of calls about my car. I showed it today but he wanted it for $3000 lower than my asking price. I am showing it to someone else on Friday.

I am beat from an evening at Phil's, so I am in bed and ready to hit the hay. After I play any of my Words with Friends turns, that is.

Gratitudes:
1. some kind customers tonight at Phil's
2. a sunny day in the East Bay
3. a bit of work lined up in NY
4. a bit of catering work before I leave
5. BART

Scrubs Bookends

As I was leaving Atlanta, I started watching Scrubs on DVD. I was completely addicted. I knew that when I moved to California I would find Zach Braff and we would fall madly in love.

Yeah, I am not sure what I was thinking.

Needless to say, I never "ran in" to Mr. Braff, nor did I stalk the set even though Tony grew up right around where they filmed.

With all of the craziness of grad school I missed the last 2 seasons. I have been catching up the last few weeks and finally saw the final 2 episodes of Season 8 this evening. I find it so interesting that Scrubs played such a role in my Atlanta departure and that I found it again after 4 1/2 years. In the 2 episodes I saw tonight, they touched on Braff's character JD leaving Sacred Heart and all of the emotions around expectations, the future and good-byes. It was a little surreal. One, because I am going through many of those feelings right now and secondly because it's pretty weird that this Western adventure is bookended by my Scrubs viewing.

I cannot force myself to watch Season 9, but now that I'm caught up on all my current TV viewing I can get down to prepping for the move. In earnest.

Oh wait, I would love to be able to see some of the Grammy's tomorrow...

How 'bout some gratitudes before slumber?
1. an easy catering job today
2. hanging with Ayla after said job
3. back up parking for the general suck in the current parking situation in my neighborhood
4. coffee
5. TV shows on the internet - I was going to say interweb, but jokes and inflection don't really read here. right?

Motivation Needed

Since I have been back at the restaurant, it's been difficult to get stuff done. Well, I don't know if I can blame that, but getting rid of my belongings is where I am completely dragging my feet. As usual I would like the easy route, but now that I will have more time, I need to be more vigilant about selling what I don't need to bring with me.

While I have not been going out of my way to tell people that I'm leaving, word is starting to spread within the catering set. Both Ayla and Lindsay mentioned going away parties and honestly I really don't want one. I would rather just step out of the picture and vanish. I am trying to process why that is and I think the reasons are many. First, since I really don't have a good support/friend circle, I truly don't think that anyone really cares that I am going. I know that's not true, but I wonder why people didn't make an effort while I was here. I know people are busy and are really into themselves, but it makes me wonder if people just take me for granted. They think I'll be around, so they'll contact me when they get around to it. This is all conjecture since I really don't know. But I have spent time pondering and mulling over some difficult ideas.

Secondly, I feel that I failed here in the Bay Area. I actually mentioned it to Roz during our catering job today. It's amazing how easily it came off my tongue. I was thinking my Facebook departure post would be Hope Mirlis: 0, San Francisco 1, but I don't think I need to be so public with it. The failure reason for leaving is certainly a hard one. I came out of the UC Davis gates with gun blaring and then I got injured. I'm curious to know what may have happened if I never lost that momentum. I cannot say it was a complete wash since I have done some amazing things and got to teach at some theatres and studios. However, it's been a struggle. Hell, you can read all about it right here from the last 2 years of posts.

I work tomorrow and have all of Monday off. I really need to find some motivation and get shit done. Will it happen? I hope so. Either way, I'm sure I will get a phone call from my parents for their daily "update." Gosh, I hope I have something to tell them. Or perhaps I wish they would stop calling every day.

Sigh.

Some gratitudes for the last sip of wine:
1. the music of Whitney Houston - she was found dead this evening
2. my neighborhood (and the characters within)
3. lovely catering co-workers
4. clean floors - in the bathroom and kitchen
5. complimentary catering clients

Draggin'

I have been getting home from Phil's and have just been beat. This evening I did 2 loads of laundry, had some dinner and just fell into bed. I had a lovely phone conversation with my brother and watched the most recent Top Chef episode. I did wind up playing a little ukulele, but nothing truly dedicated.

Looking at this list, I did a lot. Oh yeah, I also scrubbed the bathroom floor - on my hands and knees with a scrub brush. Hugh called with a heads up that he decided to take a large party in the restaurant on top of a huge to go order. He's bringing in extra staff to get everything out in time, but that also means I will be working a 9 hour day before going to Amy's bowling birthday party tomorrow night. I am not sure I am so excited about all of this. It's 10:15PM and I am ready to go to sleep. The past 2 nights I don't think I shut my eyes until after 1AM, so hopefully this will refresh and renew.

Hopefully.

On the hopeful front, I put a deposit down and filled out an application for a studio apartment in Inwood. While it's a little out of the way, it's close to nature, a great Farmers Market, and lots of good restaurants and bars. I am excited to get settled and start etching out a new routine. I'm excited to see where that may go in terms of work, but I do think I will cobble something together.

In the effort to keep this optimism flowing, here are my gratitudes:
1. s'mores bars
2. coffee
3. a freshly laundered warm bath mat under my feet
4. parents who care
5. the possibility of a deeper connection with my brother

Today's image is by the artist Yoshika

Back to Gratitudes

It's way too late, but needed some coming down time after my Phil's shift this evening. My feet are killing me and I have a long day tomorrow. Things are moving forward, but I really need to sell my furniture. And car. And bicycle.

I also need to plan my kids yoga class for tomorrow. I know I will use the yoga pretzel cards, but I would love to teach them something else. A concept, a new pose, a new awareness.

So, let me get these gratitudes in and go to sleep. Perhaps I will meditate on some questions and have answers when I wake!

Won't that be nice?

Here I go:
1. yoga
2. cold beer
3. easy public transit
4. my friend Maria who is looking at an apartment on my behalf
5. hand cream in my purse

Change of Plans

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining and I was super excited to take an early yoga class, continue prepping for the move, head to free day at the Oakland Museum before taking BART to Berkeley to see Ghost Light with Michael Gaffney tonight.

I had a great quiet walk to class and Leonora always teaches a lovely sequence. However, 2/3 of the way through the class I felt a twinge in my left psoas. It may be closer to a pull, but I'd like to stay optimistic. I immediately went into balasana and then checked the range of motion. It certainly does not feel right, but it doesn't hurt and I was able to finish the class taking things very easy. No full lunges with my left leg extended back, no pigeon on that side either. No jumping up to uttanasana, no jumping back to plank.

I did feel a little tug on the muscle on my walk home. And during a yummy breakfast I decided to take it easy today. I hope that I am not using this as an excuse to be lazy. I looked for apartments, watched some hulu, made a soup and just had lunch. Oh, I also did my dishes. I have just over 2 hours before I need to head to Berkeley, so I will continue cleaning, change my sheets & perhaps post my couch for sale on craigslist and take a shower.

I hope that my muscle will heal quickly. My monthly membership at Barefoot Movement expires on Tuesday, so I just may not renew. I'll have to see how I feel. I do want to take a few classes before I go.

1. Allen Frias' hip hop class
2. Stacey Rosenberg's yoga class
3. a glass blowing class
4. and one last round of Sarah and Chauncey

I just checked at the Oakland Museum is free the first Sunday of every month. So, I will go next month. March 4 - 2 days before I ship out and head back East.

Baby Steps

I really should be sleeping. My Daily Inspiration on Twitter and Facebook centered around getting extra sleep, but I am certainly not following that advice. At least for the end of my day. I worked a long day at Phil's and had 2 glasses of wine. I also started my online application for a position in the Education department of the American Museum of Natural History. I am fried.

And I cannot believe that I have not written in 5 days.

There's not a ton to report. I did post some furniture on Craigslist, but have not gotten any bites. I did give my notice to all of my employers and my apartment managers. I also sent my tax forms to Sallie, my accountant in Atlanta. And I have secured movers to come and grab my stuff on the 27th of this month.

Baby steps.

Therefore I still need income in NY. And have a shit ton to sell before I go. I also need to keep the money flowing here in CA until I leave. And then there's that whole issue about where I'm actually moving. Mama's gotta find an apartment.

It's amazing how much yoga has helped me release. I notice tension creeping up all the time and once the awareness hits I just let go. It's kinda great. I think that's one of the major positives on my CA adventure. It was a big issue in grad school once one of my professors realized that I clenched my glutes. I know I've mentioned it before, but usually I try so hard and want something badly that my whole body grips. The release certainly helps with the stress levels.

I have also tried to play my ukulele often, but working 5 days a week makes it a bit more difficult. The money sure is nice and without a steady gig or money coming in, I can certainly dedicate lots of time to my ukulele playing in my super small apartment in NY.

Wherever that may be.