Motivation Needed

Since I have been back at the restaurant, it's been difficult to get stuff done. Well, I don't know if I can blame that, but getting rid of my belongings is where I am completely dragging my feet. As usual I would like the easy route, but now that I will have more time, I need to be more vigilant about selling what I don't need to bring with me.

While I have not been going out of my way to tell people that I'm leaving, word is starting to spread within the catering set. Both Ayla and Lindsay mentioned going away parties and honestly I really don't want one. I would rather just step out of the picture and vanish. I am trying to process why that is and I think the reasons are many. First, since I really don't have a good support/friend circle, I truly don't think that anyone really cares that I am going. I know that's not true, but I wonder why people didn't make an effort while I was here. I know people are busy and are really into themselves, but it makes me wonder if people just take me for granted. They think I'll be around, so they'll contact me when they get around to it. This is all conjecture since I really don't know. But I have spent time pondering and mulling over some difficult ideas.

Secondly, I feel that I failed here in the Bay Area. I actually mentioned it to Roz during our catering job today. It's amazing how easily it came off my tongue. I was thinking my Facebook departure post would be Hope Mirlis: 0, San Francisco 1, but I don't think I need to be so public with it. The failure reason for leaving is certainly a hard one. I came out of the UC Davis gates with gun blaring and then I got injured. I'm curious to know what may have happened if I never lost that momentum. I cannot say it was a complete wash since I have done some amazing things and got to teach at some theatres and studios. However, it's been a struggle. Hell, you can read all about it right here from the last 2 years of posts.

I work tomorrow and have all of Monday off. I really need to find some motivation and get shit done. Will it happen? I hope so. Either way, I'm sure I will get a phone call from my parents for their daily "update." Gosh, I hope I have something to tell them. Or perhaps I wish they would stop calling every day.

Sigh.

Some gratitudes for the last sip of wine:
1. the music of Whitney Houston - she was found dead this evening
2. my neighborhood (and the characters within)
3. lovely catering co-workers
4. clean floors - in the bathroom and kitchen
5. complimentary catering clients