New Year's Thoughts

You Appreciate Thoughtfulness

You are both talented and giving. You are always going out of your way to make things pleasant for others. You are traditional and balanced. You like to let loose, but you never go overboard. Right now, you value your family most. No matter what, family comes first! You are bright and curious about the world. You feel like you're in a bit of a rut, and you're looking for a little something more out of life.

What Does Your New Year's Eve Say About You?

Blogthings: We Have a Quiz for Almost Everything

Slogging through the Blogs

So you may have noticed that the Lady has changed the list of approved links. I removed those that I no longer read or have become less active and added some suggested by Time Magazine writers. I have always felt a little out of it in the political department. In this time of bad economy and war overseas that we don't really SEE (thank god!) I have been out of it. I think as Americans we really should know what's going on in our country and how it's being run. Heck, I mean I pay taxes. Where is that money going?

In any case, in an effort to stay connected to all things I am taking those suggestions and sharing. Here's hoping that we will all be a little more informed, connected and share a laugh or two.

Happy Reading!

Kicking a little Yoga Ass

This week I taught two good yoga classes. I have started branching out and teaching different poses and using different sequences. Best yet I got a lovely compliment today about truly teaching according to the needs of the students in the room. I had wanted to play with shoulder and heart openers, but the two I taught were not ready for dolphin or anything close to headstand. Yesterday the brains were vibrating like crazy so it took me a while just to calm them down. At the end one of the women said "that was lovely" and commented on the deep stretching.

Yay me!

And yay for teaching the people in front of me.

I also met with Danny, my new Funny Bone musician. We played with some musical accompaniment for the definition of Laughter an started on Comedy. It went slowly, but we are just learning how each other work. I seem to ask lots of questions and really listen. I need to plug away on residencies, grants and venues. It would be nice to arrange some performance dates for May and June.

Wahoo!

How the list is Made

On Facebook there are numerous games and tests. However at the end of the year, one of the little applications is called "My Top Words."

Here's what we've got:

Here are top words from my Facebook status messages!
1: Yoga - used 29 times
2: Class - used 22 times
3: Berkeley - used 14 times
4: Bay - used 11 times
5: SF - used 11 times
6: Tonight - used 9 times
7: Night - used 9 times
8: Teaching - used 8 times
9: Looking - used 8 times
10: Show - used 8 times

I found it rather fascinating what I posted in my status. It's like a little slice of what my year has been. I am finally subbing regularly due to Noga going on maternity leave, but I don't think it's a lucrative way to go. I need to figure out what I'm getting from this crazy thing called yoga and really embrace that. Namaste Gourmet still has not launched, and I am certainly not as excited about it. I really don't think it's going to be worth the trouble.

I am moving forward on Funny Bone and the cabaret, so I feel really good about both of those. I am also moving full steam with the dance company/choreographers so I should be working steadily through the end of February. I am still looking at job applications and need to finish some of the faculty ones. I had a nice conversation about the future with Randy two nights ago and I am still dragging my feet on what I want and what I need to do to get there. I am still worried about disappointing others and not concentrating on what's best for me.

I sense the start of a Life Coach fund. And perhaps the adherence of my New Year's Resolution of flossing, drinking more water and staying in shape.

Here's to the end of a good year.

Life is a Cabaret

In my procrastination for finishing my solo piece - When You Hit Your Funny Bone - I decided that I want to throw a cabaret together. I have always wanted to do one, so today I met with musical director Kelly Park and we chatted for a bit and sang a bit and laughed a lot. So I am putting together a list of songs that I either like to sing or have sung in the past. However, I requested my Facebook friends to suggest some tunes and they are all good, but don't fit together in any way. So, I am adding them to the list to see what sticks. I am very excited.

I really do need to keep moving on Funny Bone and in fact I almost got a chance for perform 10 minutes of it this evening. The Marsh in SF does 10 Minute Mondays for works in progress. And while my proposal was not accepted, I got an email today that someone was ill and they needed someone to fill in tonight! So, I thought what the hell. If I needed a kick in the pants, here we go. Patti responded that they found someone, but at least it got me thinking about it. So, here we are at the end of 2010. I vow that I will have performed BOTH the cabaret AND When You Hit Your Funny Bone in 2011.

No really. It will happen.

I cannot say the same for my daily flossing or drinking water, but the two shows will happen.

Best for Me

The best yoga classes I teach stem from truly listening to what I need at the moment. Tomorrow I am teaching a demo class for a studio on Solano in order to sub for Noga. It's gotten to be a bigger deal with changing her class time and day, but I am going in with my sense of practice. I know they want a flow class, so while the last class I did focused more on holding poses, I will return to what I am more familiar with - which is the graceful and mindful sequence of flowing from one asana to another. Since it's a demo I don't want to go crazy, so I will stick with my tried and true and maybe throw in some poses that I don't do very often. I am sure that I will really listen to my body and to the students in the room. Or at least I hope so.

I am still coughing a bit and am a bit low energy. When I got back from NY I jumped back into work, but got plenty of rest. My sore throat was gone, but a day later the cold started in earnest. Completely stuffed nose that moved back down into my throat. I certainly feel and sound better, but it's lingering a bit. I really should be asleep now, but I am dragging my feet and continue to play on the computer. I really need to be better about time management.

Anyway, as I play with a sequence for class tomorrow I continue to ponder my path and what's truly best for me. In the greater sense. There will be some big changes in the next few months and I am curious to know how things will fall out. Until then, how 'bout a little gratitude...

1. umbrellas
2. hot soup
3. fresh bread
4. compliments
5. ice cream and conversation

Sick and tired

So when I arrived in NY everyone was sick. Coughing and sneezing and me with my good health and no-pill popping knocked on wood. As if that was going to stop things.

It was right warm in those first few days, but now 2 weeks later New York is back to to it's usual winter chill. I have not followed my regular routine, have not exercised or eaten when I normally eat. My body is a little out of whack.

BAM! Cold and sore throat.

I really need to get some sleep but for some reason I am playing on Facebook and reading blogs. I did take a nap today but it was a little wacky playing with David much of the day.

No more sleepless night for me this evening. I'm sensing a turn over and out cold.

I do need to write about all of my adventures over the past 2 weeks, but that's going to have to wait.

Gratitudes:
1. a smiley nephew
2. sunny days
3. theatre in NY
4. the means to see expensive shows and dine out
5. two friends for taking care of my little felines while I'm away.

Extended Stay

I just entered the Oakland Airport and as I went through security the agent said "New York or New Jersey."

Really, is it that obvious?

Yeah, I guess so. I left New York in 1991, just about 20 years ago and it's still there. I am a New Yorker. In fact, it's the first phrase of my bio. I was going to remove it, but there was something that made me keep it. As I removed my shoes and placed my unpacked belongings on the conveyor belt another agent said something about Long Island. "My people," I responded.

My people.

In fact during the weekend as I made my plans to travel back to NY for 2 and a half weeks I definitely said the word "home" at least twice. That shit just falls out. Instinct.

Well, I cleared my schedule and prepared for an extended NY stay. I packed my external hard drive to do a little computer cleaning, as well as interview both of my parents. I will also dedicate some quality time to my solo piece.

However the next two days will be about family. The funeral of Grandma tomorrow and sitting shiva for the two days that follow. I have not been back for this long of a stay since I moved down to Atlanta. So, this will be interesting. I'm sure there will be arguments, fights, even. But let's hope there is not a second funeral.

We New Yorkers can get rather violent. *smirk*

Financial Hardship and Making Time

Yesterday I was summoned to jury duty in downtown Oakland. I really didn't have the day free, but I thought it was better to serve instead of postponing. I wound up being randomly chosen and upon heading upstairs to the courtroom was told that we were being considered to serve on a criminal case that may last a month. The defendant was there with his lawyer and the prosecutor was there alone since I think the victim is a minor. Anyway, I started freaking out. There is just no way that I could have served that long. Not with Grandma entering hospice, traveling for Thanksgiving (or her funeral) and then there is the whole making money thing. I mean if I don't work, I don't make any money. And there is only so much I can do after business hours.

So after filling out a lengthy questionnaire after how I feel about law enforcement, our judicial system, sexual assault and prostitution I completed the Hardship request form and headed back up to the courtroom. There were quite a few people that came in after me and got excused before me. I started getting nervous that my request would be denied. However not only did the time I waited allow me to feel my heart beat pounding in my chest, but it also have me time to really consider my answers to the questionnaire and to the idea of time. I mean, if my request was denied I would be forced to serve and potentially be selected for the jury. That would mean changing my travel plans, and working evenings and weekends and having to confront issues around sexual assault. Would it be ideal, not really, but it could have been possible. I mean, if we are forced to do something, well, I don't mean forced, but plenty of times we are faced with issues that do not hit us at the most opportune moment. Losing a wallet, getting into a car accident, etc, we just have to deal with it. We are creatures of habit and for me personally I don't like my schedule or my world shaken. It does really bother me when people say they don't have time for things. Like taking care of themselves or having a boyfriend. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that. I just don't have time. But it's not true. Especially in the boyfriend department, if there's someone you want to spend time with you MAKE time. So, honestly, there is time. But for the most part time costs money and that's what many of us don't have right now.

I am in the process of updating Quicken and really seeing what I have. I know that I am making more than I'm spending, but it would be nice to have some next steps in place and make closer to what I'm worth. But living in a new area that will take, um, well...time.

Open Rainy Sunday

I woke up early thing morning to the beautiful sound of rain. I really wanted to stay in bed all day. I am not sure why I didn't. Well, I had plans. Well, not plans exactly, but I didn't want a lazy day. Especially with the new subletter moving in today. So I got up at 9:30AM and once I moved to the couch I saw the clock on the TV box read 8:30AM. Oh gosh, daylight savings time. I made breakfast and heated some tea and planned the day.

Sprint, Trader Joe's, the library, the bank.

I went to the Sprint store yesterday after a quick run to The Gap in Emeryville. I wanted to finish the last of my gift cards at The Gap and before I drove into the city I stopped at Sprint. I am sure why I went there when I didn't have time. However, I was on the verge of making a huge change.

So, today when I went back I confidently went up to the counter and asked for a new phone with a new contract and a NEW PHONE NUMBER. After many, many years I decided to switch my Atlanta number for a local East Bay number. There really was no reason for it since most people today have phone numbers from all over. However, I think I needed to make a mental and emotional decision and get a phone number that places me in the Bay Area. I have learned my new number and it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. I have sent some texts letting some know that I have new number, but I have yet to receive a phone call. Dad called from China this morning and I had the sound off from The ChatRoulette Show last night. I did email him my new number and hope that he calls tomorrow.

My other errands were less grand, but things that I have either been putting off or just needed to do. I had some Trader Joe's spiced that I needed to return. Since there's a store in the same shopping center as Sprint I decided to stop in return the garlic and oregano and buy a few things. I ate a bit too much trail mix on the way home, but stopped at the bank to deposit some checks. I wish that all of my money could be direct deposited. I am so bad about making deposits. However, I did spend some time yesterday and today updating Quicken and maintaining all of my admin hours spreadsheets. I really need to know where I am financially make sure that I am refilling my savings. Next I went to the library to return both myth books for the MTC class and a nice novel. Well, not so nice. A cracked out messed up novel by Christopher Moore. I was a little sad that today is Sunday and the library was closed. It would have been nice to get another book.

In terms of the myths, I am a little worried about the presentation for my after school class. We don't have class for some reason this week and then we have one more class before our showing. I wish we had a rough outline, but we don't. We have a little movement sequence and one really lovely short play. I think we are going to quickly do some character work and whip something together.

Once I got home I made a messy egg sandwich for the third day in row, started making a soup with the collards and other veggies that I had and also put some music on and did a little cleaning.

So, yes I am sitting on the couch, but I had a productive day. I need to finish the soup once I am done watching The Next Iron Chef...and plan tomorrow.

Habits Rear Their Ugly Heads

For the past 4 days, I took a really great workshop at Cal Shakes with Ron Campbell called The Actor, the Clown and the Mask. Ron is a good teacher and he shoved a buttload of ideas, exercises and teaching into the 4 sessions. In fact in the hour of prep before our public showing he literally threw additional components into our tool kit. I sat next to two of my fellow summer teaching artists and we looked at each other with utter confusion. Wait, what? There were new rules, new exercises and new vocabulary. We now all went into the showing with a huge sense of unknown. It was equally thrilling and confusing, filled with anxiety and excitement. I was not able to go to my usually heady place, I had to remain open to all of the possibilities. Really listen, really watch and jump in when there was an opportunity.

For most of the workshop I sat out and took notes. I realized that I returned to my passive self rather than the voracious student I was in the first year of grad school. When I started at UC Davis when we had a chance to show our work I always went first. I was not afraid of looking bad or failing. However, I have lost that edge. In one of the exercises we did a little inner/outer work. Two opposing energies. Fear on the inside and confidence on the outside. Evil on the inside and holy on the outside. You get the picture. But I really feel that my audition work fails to have extra oomph. I think the roles I have gotten were when I was so nervous that I was fighting that to play my objectives. Or I didn't care and was extremely relaxed. Both seem to work for me. However lately I am back to my trying hard self and it's just not interesting.

Similarly to when I took Scott Wells' workshop, I felt that others were not all that warm. It may have been all in my head but since I was one of the weaker performers there were only a few that went out of their way to say hello or try and work with me. However, when we got to the final day I decided to let it go and just play. Be open to failure. I did learn a lot and I took great notes and cannot wait to share some of the exercises with my students.

Too bad the 1st-4th graders are a little young for most of them. If I can just get my hands on some college kids...

lazy, rainy and clean!

well, at least i am clean. i waited for my conference call with angela, but decided the wait was over and took a shower. i sit on the couch in my scarily dirty apartment. it's usually clean, but not tidy, but right now it's downright icky. like a tornado ripped through it, as my dad says.

this morning i took a yoga workshop and when i got out i decided it was time to fix my internet woes. since i got internet just over a week ago it's been intermittent. so i gritted my teeth and called comcast and after they assured me that the modem was working just fine, i called belkin, the folks that made my router. and the firmware needed to be updated. i spoke with a nice gentleman who seemed to be in india and i just had to be patient. i could not understand him much of the time which was frustrating. it made me speak cleaner and slower, but there was definitely irritation. he was sassy to me a few times and i was certainly sassy back. i am dealing with an american product why am i speaking with technical support overseas? i mean i know it's cheaper to hire foreign workers. got it, but it's certainly hard to communicate. or at least it's challenging. so does this make me racist?

in any case, everything is good and my wireless is up and running and has a strong signal. yippee! so i would rather be online than vacuuming and doing the dishes. i have signed up to usher at the marsh in berkeley this evening and need to be there in an hour. however, i could probably whip out most of the vacuuming and about half the dishes before i need to get ready to go.

Gratitudes:
1. a great evening with Sharon and Wendy
2. smart and effective yoga teachers
3. cheese
4. leftover soup
5. rain boots

still no time

okay, so after trolley dances this weekend and a full day of catering yesterday i am beat. my to-do list is huge, but all i want to do is get into bed with a book. so i think i will. it's only 9:30 so if i read for a while and then hit the hay i could get up early in the morning. make some coffee and bust some filing out.

hey, here's some gratitudes:
1. catering leftovers
2. lots of work
3. a promising audition coming up
4. arts in the bay
5. warm lap kitties

Thursday check-in

It's been a bit crazy. In fact when I got my massage with Tommy last night he said that he saw lots of distracting energy around me yesterday and really encouraged me to take time out for me. I do feel good, but I guess there's something to this tired thing. I really do take care of others and allow myself to do come last sometimes. But again, I have bills to pay.

I have not had time or energy to write on the blog but really it has not crossed my mind. Is that strange? Perhaps a phase.

But I can still be grateful
1. sunny days
2. ice cream
3. internet in the house
4. billable hours
5. a solo piece with potential

What is this Blogging Business?

I have not blogged in a week and I really have not wanted to write. Or perhaps I have little to report. I am drinking a hot chocolate with a little bourbon and it's affecting me a little more than I thought it would. But I also realize that I am a super fast typist and I no longer have to look at the keyboard.

How cool is that?

Anyway, billing lots of hours with the organizations I work for. Not too much from the personal arts world, but I did get new headshots and have my showing at CounterPULSE a week from today. I met two musicians this week for Funny Bone and I am optimistic that one of them will work out. Fingers crossed.

I really should get cracking on the 'humor' definition, but I am not sure if the alcohol has hit me too much. Maybe that will be a good thing.

Hey how 'bout some gratitudes:
1. free yoga today
2. winning tickets for the Marsh Berkeley
3. musicians interested in my work
4. catering left overs
5. kitties to keep me warm

Hitting the Funny Bone

So two weeks until I present 10 minutes of Funny Bone at CounterPulse. I had a good response from musicians from the last Craigslist post a month ago, but none of them panned out. I really thought I had it this time. I am not sure why it's so hard to find an accompanist/composer to play with, but I posted again today on craigstlist and sent a posting to the music department at Cal. I also started downloading some music from the internet just in case I cannot find anyone in the near future.

On the positive front, in preparation for meeting with one of the musicians this past week I have updated both the physical definitions for laughter and comedy and even better - I'm happy with them. They feel right and I remember them easier than any of the other sets of gestures. That's a good sign!

I have been spending lots of my time helping other and I am really good at it, but I need to make sure that I take care of myself. Hope to bring that into focus this week.

In the meantime, here's some gratitudes:
1. sunshiney days
2. loving kitties
3. good food and wine
4. yoga and dance classes
5. a great new bunch of kids in my after school drama class

Dynamic --> Static

While I did not go to synagogue for Yom Kippur this weekend, I did fast and abstain from work. In fact on Friday I walked to the local library and took out a bunch of books on mythology in prep for my MTC class plus a PLEASURE BOOK.

What, what?

Yes, a pleasure book. Okay, I am not really sure where that term came from, but I tend to use it to describe a non-academic book. a book I read because I WANT to and not because I HAVE to. However, looking at that term now is rather dirty.

Tee hee.

I decided to grab a Christopher Moore book because I saw "Fool" in the bookstore recently. They didn't have it at my branch, but they did have "Dirty Job." I started reading on Friday night and then continued all day on Saturday. I basically camped out on the couch all day and just read. It was delightful. The phone rang and the computer beckoned, but I just kept reading. Yesterday I did a good pit of delivery and pick up for Hugh Groman, but wound up finishing the book early this morning. Super demented and super funny. And better still it was set in San Francisco so there was additional meaning and depth.

My city.

I have been spending lots of time in the city lately and it feels more and more comfortable. I walked down Castro today before teaching a workshop with Kim and the weather was so lovely and the sky was so blue. Very comfortable.

When I got home I did a bit more work and needed to take a yoga class. My Passport to Prana will expire in 2 months and I am teaching in the morning. And honestly I don't remember the last time I took a class. Really. Not good.

So, I went to a studio on the Berkeley/Oakland border. I got there just as it started and little did I know it was a Restorative class. The teacher was an older gentleman and we did lots of static poses with just about every prop in the closet. Literally every single pose he called out more props the we needed. So he demoed first and then the 5 of us trounced off to the closet to get one (or three) more things.

Shoulder stand with a chair, a bolster, a sticky mat and three blankets. A back bend with a chair, blanket, sandbag and bolster. Another heart opener with 2 blocks. And finally we used the ropes to hang upside down - with a blanket and a wedge.

Yes, props.

I have gotten so used to flow that I forgot that yoga can be static. In fact we held most of these poses for 5 minutes. Many of them were uncomfortable, but once I relaxed in, it was okay. Or in some cases relaxing. It gave me the opportunity to breathe and allow the muscles to soften.

I am scheduled to sub again for Noga tomorrow at Vara in Albany. I plan to teach a class with more held poses. That is, if anyone shows up.

If not, I will practice on my own and work on (gasp) Funny Bone.

Just Gratitudes

I am slowly but surely getting stuff done. Not as much as I'd hope, but making process on all fronts. As I drink a well deserved gin gimlet I am thinking about my successes and yes, I am grateful.

1. the gift of my new toothbrush. which will certainly renew my dental hygiene
2. good food
3. another sunny day
4. loving kitties
5. a commercial audition tomorrow

Monday regroup

After I finished teaching up in Davis, I returned to Berkeley just in time to finish up celebrating Rosh Hashana. And celebrate is a bit of an overstatement. I did cook a lovely meal with Victoria and Nita on Wednesday night, but I didn't attend synagogue or really take any time out to reflect on the year past or upcoming. In fact I ran straight into teaching workshops with Epiphany and prepped to teach at MTC and then headed up to Ashland's Oregon Shakespeare Festival with Christine & Genia. I got back early yesterday morning and have reflected little.

Well, that's kinda what this blog has been, but it would be nice to think of it in terms of the year mark. And it's helpful that I moved to the Bay just about this time last year. To say that the past year was a hard one is a bit of an understatement. It truly kicked my ass. And while I am doing well right now, I am not quite kicking ass and taking names quite yet. I do not have a good support circle or financial stability. I am not satisfying my creative needs. But it's not to say that it's all bad. I am teaching a ton and I know my strengths lie there. I have a good bit of admin work in the non-profit sector however getting paid hourly requires lots of organization and administration. Time, paperwork and diligence. It's a lot of work.

I am still not sure that the San Francisco Bay area is the best place for me. I don't really have other ideas here, so I will certainly hang on through the Spring and perhaps the summer. Maybe I'll look at Faculty positions or full time admin work in the arts. Or perhaps my solo piece will be so successful that I will tour it around the world.

I certainly have not thrown in the towel, but I do remain to be realistic.

Gratitudes:
1. lemon curd
2. good wine and sunshine
3. outdoor theatre
4. living close to the water
5. having work

Progress report

As today was my day off from teaching hip hop up in Davis, I needed to bust it out with all of companies and individuals I work with. I think I need a better system that a bunch of different task and to-do lists. I definitely know it's possible but I need to be better organized and bill on a regular basis.

I have been lucky the past few months. I have been working regularly teaching, performing and doing a bit of admin work.

Or perhaps I've been working my ass off for what I've got and not lucky at all.

Anyway, last night on my way home from seeing MacBeth at Cal Shakes I started getting nervous about bringing Lincoln in for dental work. Ayla recommended postponing. So I called when I got home, but the vets office doesn't take messages after hours. So, I woke up early and tried calling twice before I got someone at 8am. The woman I spoke with was lovely. She completely understood that I was not comfortable. She took my number and said the doctor would call to talk the procedure through with me. He did not. I just got bad vibes and I don't think it was just because I was nervous about pulling the food at midnight.

Anyway, I was so tired that I got a late start. I missed the opportunity to grab some passengers and take the carpool lane, but got to the Epiphany office early. I got caught up and then I finally used my Groupon coupon at Pea Seduction in SOMA. Of course, as soon as I got home I really wanted to take a nap. However, I worked a few more hours and then as I was watching a little Top Chef on DVR I fell asleep. I didn't really sleep long enough, but it's now 10:25pm and I am ready for me.

My calendar is wide open for the next few days, so I think I will catch up on all fronts. And that includes organizing on Labor Day on Monday.

Bitches.

I am curious to see where the next few months will take me. Trying to be more excited than anxious. I think it's possible.

Procrastination Action

This weekend my schedule is really light. It makes it a great opportunity to get shit done. However, with my crazy schedule all I want to do is sit on the couch and eat bon bons. I am tired. And I am tired of having to be so proactive about every little thing. At this time in my life, it should just be easier.

Is that just unrealistic?

Because if I have to keep working my ass off at this speed and intensity for another year I just won't make it. And I have to say the results I am getting for this proactivity certainly does not measure up to what I am putting in. I know things take time and you need to chip away a little at a time to see the grand picture, but this is ridiculous. If you asked me 15 years ago how my life would be currently, I doubt I would ever describe my current life.

Okay, enough bitching. I really need to figure out what I want and how I can get there. This seems to be a running theme in my California life. But whatever I've created is not working.

Let's talk gratitude:
1. Sunny days in Northern California
2. Late night Taco joints in the Mission
3. Strong cocktails
4. Eye contact and compliments
5. Time to reflect (no matter how hard it is)

Back on my Couch!

Gosh, this has been a week! Teaching 8 classes up in Davis, nursing a throbbing ankle, doing a bit of commuting, and taking a kick ass dance class. I am a bit sweaty and gross but my brows are beautifully shaped and I have a shitload of work to do. But all I want to do is go to sleep. Yes, it's just after 7. But I think I may do it anyway.

Um, yeah.

Brain down, brain down.

Computer down.

*sigh*

Productivity in Pajamas

I had 3 outfits on today and two of them were pajamas. And yes, most of the day was spent on the couch. I had another fitful night sleep and truly did not want to get up. There were three dreams I remembered as I woke and they included horizontal tornados, another natural disaster that I cannot remember and a violent argument at a big box store. Can you blame me for wanting to just hide under the covers?

I made a great breakfast with hot coffee and started the living room clean up. After weeks of staring at piles of paper on "my" half of the dining room table and the entire coffee table, I FINALLY was able to polish the tables and place the clean and ironed runner back on the dining table. Along the way I also filed some papers and posted some receipts to Quicken. Truly anything to avoid choreographing the next hip hop routine.

But I am proud to say that I forced myself out of my jammies and into a tank and some shorts and whipped out a combo. I pulled 2 counts of 8 from an old dance and just watching it I see the difference in my style and quality of my students. Tomorrow in my second class I am going to try to teach the combination without speaking. Using the mirror and repetition solely. I am very curious to see how it will go - and if I will wimp out and start talking. I tried to take care of all grading this weekend, but the program on the system is completely different so I need to get some tech support.

My to-do list is pretty full and I look forward to waking up early in Davis on Tuesday and busting it out at a cafe with wi-fi. My butt hurts from sitting on the couch and watching Food Network shows for the last 4 hours. It would behoove me to head to bed right now so I can prep for breakfast with Noga and pack for 2 days in Davis.

Gratitudes:
1. Christine and Genia for gifting me a new itouch
2. Lovely weather in the East Bay
3. Fresh cooking and good leftovers
4. Clean pajamas
5. My super cool label maker

Coming Around

So my wallet is still missing and I really don't think it will resurface. I replaced my drivers license and have ordered new debit cards. I think I do need change all of my passwords just to be sure, but I am on the road to recovery. Except for the fact that I could not find my dance shoes today and as I did last week I left my power cord up in Davis again today.

I am not sure what the deal is. Except that I may be doing too much. There is too much driving and I have yet to sign my paperwork up at UCD and then my tire on my bike went flat TWICE this week. I am getting a little upset and angry as I revisit these. I guess I just need to finish my glass of wine and watch the end of the So You Think You Can Dance finale.

Here's a little gratitude to get me through:
1. a bike repair place on campus - and people who have more expertise than me
2. kind audition auditors
3. chocolate & wine
4. dedicated students
5. accompanists that transpose ON THE SPOT!

The Zen of Disappointment

So yesterday while working at The Beat I left for a moment to grab some breakfast. The cafe next door was closed so I had to drive around the corner to Cafe Trieste. The line was really long, so I walked across the street to Bacheeso and ordered a roasted turkey sandwich and a coffee to get closer to the $10 credit card minimum. However, a few hours later I realized that my wallet was missing. I definitely had it to pay for my sandwich. And since I was rushing to get back to The Beat since I left the desk unstaffed I slipped my credit card into the side pocket of my back pack - something I never do.

So on my way to Livermore last night I stopped at the cafe but no wallet - and The Beat was closed. I searched my car but no luck and this morning I hoped that it was at the studio. But also no go. I have since canceled my debit cards and will had to the DMV tomorrow morning to get a new drivers license. The only real bummer is a gift card I have from World Market. Everything else can be replaced. Randy Symank has a palm pilot if I want it. But I am rather zen about the whole thing. I wonder with all of the identity theft that I should be more concerned. But I truly think there's nothing to be worried about. It's all just a big inconvenience.

I have a big week ahead of me with teaching at Davis, a callback at 42nd Street Moon, and lots of driving. I crashed when I got home from the city this afternoon, but think my body needs to catch up. I had a little dinner at 8pm, but think I will head back to bed.

Gratitudes:
1. Randy for sharing my love of trying new things
2. living in a beautiful state
3. coffee
4. the ability to fix my own bike
5. friends who share good news

I'm a Lucky Sucker!

It's just after 11 and I am beat. I have had a cold of some sort for the past week. It started as a sore throat and is now up in my head. I feel okay, but I sound like shit. I have been driving a lot and I left my laptop power cord up in Davis and had to buy a new one today. The apartment is in no way tidy, but life is good.

And I am not just talking about seeing the clouds through the silver lining. Things are good.

First off, my folks came into town this past weekend and save a few little hiccups, the visit was great and we had a stellar time. Good food, lots of laughs, lovely scenery and lovely company. There is something strong about family. At least the relationship that I have with my parents, since I certainly don't have that bond with anyone else in the bunch.

Wow, let's not head there.

Anyway, we closed The Real Thing super strong. It renewed my faith in my work and gave me a pathway to a new community. Or at least opened my community a bit. I wish I could say the same for my camp teaching. We do such a good job getting the kids to interact and bond, but there's nothing like that for the staff. My guess is that they don't want to pay for any more time, so connections like that suffer.

But again, I digress.

But from a more positive place, my classes have been going great. The kids at CalShakes are awesome. I completely enjoy an older crew and now that I am back with the university set, it feels more comfortable. More known. Familiar.

Onward Ho! Happy.

Educational reflection

My to-do list gets longer, but so do my responsibilities. It's nice being busy and I need to say 'yes' as much as possible right now because in this business it's never secure. I have been teaching a ton this summer. This gives me an opportunity to try out a whole bunch of stuff, as well as rely on what's tried and true. I am having a good time with the second crop from Cal Shakes. They are for the most part smart and respectful and trying new things. As theatre kids many are too clever and witty for their own good. But there's little I can do there. I did request one of the boys to do an exercise 'for himself' yesterday, rather than trying to impress a bunch of the girls. He basically said that he didn't understand what I was talking about, but I know in his heart he did.

As I lead one of the groups today on finding their centers (head, chest, belly or hips) they were very thoughtful in discussion and armed with this new knowledge they tried it on for size. Looking around the room, there were enormous changes. I saw a completely different group of kids walk each and every time depending on which center they walked from. It was beautiful. I am not sure they were conscious about it and in a way I hope they were not. This work can be largely unconscious - coming more from the body and less from the mind.

In any case, it was inspirational.

These kids may not "get it" at this go-around. But I know that it's affecting them. And in terms of credit, I really don't care. I personally know that I am making a difference, especially when a few thank me at the end of the session. I am giving them food for thought to take into their lives.

And that's exciting!

Gratitude

I have been super lazy around my appointments to teach, audition and perform the last few days. Perhaps it was my health insurance conversation with JRB over lunch, but today I feel old. I took a nap again just as I did yesterday afternoon. I did vacuum and mop, but there's a ton on my to-do list. I have dance class in 30 minutes and I really don't want to go. I had an old day during Sarah's class a few weeks ago and it was awful. Hopefully it will turn around as soon as we start the abs section.

Anyway, no word on the auditions from yesterday, but I did teach 3 good classes today. The Cal Shakes kids are a smart bunch. I'm curious to see where we'll be able to go. However, in my not so positive state right now I thought it would be a good time to do a gratitude check-in.

What I'm Grateful For:
1. work through mid-October
2. laundry in the apartment
3. ibuprofen
4. leftovers
5. sunny skies
6. willing students and active assistants

Showing my Wears

Even though I was crampy and irritable and had a sore throat I had a good show last night and two good auditions today. On Friday I get a call from the folks at ACT they were holding a round of auditions Monday for Tales of the City. I totally ate those books up in paperback and never thought I would ever get a call. It would have been nice if I had a little more time to prep, but I am not one to be picky. I had to trust my talent and with an early morning audition I had to bank on my technique. They wanted a pop-rock song and since the Scisssor Sisters are composing JRB recommended singing How Deep Is Your Love by the BeeGees. I have been cramming lyrics for that and Eddie Floyd's On the Radio since Saturday night when I met with Dave Moschler. I got up super early and luckily Jerald was in Sac so I could warm up and freak out. This included all of my warm ups and singing both songs down the octave, up the active, on vowel - even singing in bent over. That one got me a little sick to my stomach. I was not sure if that was nerves or being light-headed. Luckily, the high range was there when I needed it and the folks at ACT and my fellow auditionees were quite lovely. I was also able to get out in time to make it up to Mill Valley to teach Playwriting this morning. The kids were a little scattered. We moved to the theatre and it was a little distracting teaching in the lobby of the theatre.

I was pretty out of it for the rest of the day. I was too nervous to eat breakfast so I made some cheese toast and soup when I got home and then passed out on the couch.

I got up in time to get down to Lafayette to audition at Town Hall for Glass Menagerie. Susannah Martin is directing and while I dusted off the Darlene Craviotto's Pizza Man monologue I have been doing for the past 15 years I found some new things. At last night's performance of The Real Thing there was tons of new energy. Not surprising in the second week of a three week run. It was exciting to respond to new things. What did surprise me is what Ms. Martin coaxed out of me this evening. I hoped to pull out a new piece, but with my schedule I decided to mold the Pizza Man piece into Amanda's world. I have done the piece with just about every dialect and have changed the age of the character in question as I have matured. This morning I put it at 30 and for the first time this evening I did it at 40. It's been a while that I was given direction on a monologue and it was kinda nice. I noticed Susannah's head nodding as I found a new way through her direction. I cannot even tell you how I love that. It felt great. It's the mark of a smart director, a good piece and an actor who listens.

As I begin to teach the second 2-week Cal Shakes camp I am so excited to add an acting class to the movement regiment. I had a little freak out a few minutes ago when I realized that I didn't plan tomorrow's class. Luckily I have all of the DRA 10 notes and to be honest, I can teach an intro class with little planning. In class one, how can I get the students to relax and observe. I have them for 5 sessions (a combo of acting and movement) so I think I can wait until session 2 to play with trust.

Hump Day Check-in

I have been scarily tired lately. I'm sure it has everything to do with staying out late and driving home pinching myself to keep my eyes open, but still. My body needs rest. It's 11:24pm and I really need to be in bed. I saw Mrs. Warren's Profession at Cal Shakes tonight and am completely riled up. I had a little snack, watched Top Chef and am ready to pass out. I even took a nap today, what the heck is going on?

Either way, I need to keep focused and pro-active. Super proud of my work in The Real Thing, I emailed all of the Artistic Directors and Casting Directors from the major theatres. I got some responses back, but not a ton. And only the folks from Marin Theatre Company are going to come out and see it. I am trying, but I still don't think the Bay Area is the best fit for me. I'm not throwing in the towel quite yet, but I need to keep my eyes open for other options.

There's more that I could say, but I really need to hit the hay (oooh, i made a funny!)

Things I am grateful for:
1. Good theatre close by
2. My yogi friends
3. Involvement in a good show, with a good cast
4. My loving kitties
5. The generosity of my yoga students today - in turn, I taught a good class
6. Wine and chocolate

Trust and Inclusion

Last night we opened The Real Thing at Livermore Shakespeare and it was an amazing success. The show has been in really good shape for a while, but I have not been pulling my weight. It wasn't until just recently that I realized that the role of Charlotte is really hard. She is only in 3 scenes so there's not a huge margin of error to get my message out clearly. Once I got costumes, It was also apparent that the times I am seen are never just ordinary days. Perhaps that makes it easier. I can never sit back, but must remain engaged, in motion and proactive.

Gosh, that's a return on a theme.

The last few runs were hard since I knew I missing something, but didn't know what it was. The jokes fell flat and I just felt bitchy and not witty or in charge. I decided to return to a bit of technique and made sure I radiated out from the stage to the audience.

THE AUDIENCE.

Um, duh. You know the reason why we tell these stories in the first place? Yeah, them.

We had our first audience on Thursday preview and I was now aware of a new energy and new responsibility. To include the audience. They need to feel a part of the experience. And especially for Charlotte, I need to have them on my side. For opening last night my goal was to be the woman they love to hate. And I was. The laugh lines landed well and surprisingly enough we had to hold for laughter in places for the first time. It was exciting and electric. I had something to say - something to add to the story.

Lastly, I just needed to chill out and trust my talent and technique. I studied comedy for a full year to unlock the reasons why I seemed to fail at comedy on stage. I know it works. I know I can do it. But most of the time my brain censors and my own insecurity gets in the way. I forced myself to let that go last night as I looked out at the vineyards.. I took the stage like I was meant to be there, connected with my fellow actors, desired something from the characters in the scene and FOUGHT LIKE HELL to get it and of course, brought the audience along.

I am having a rather lazy day. I will take a shower, grab some lunch and head back to Livermore to do it all over again.

Saturday afternoon coming down

Last night I went into SF to see the 10pm performance of Joe Goode's Traveling Light at the Old Mint in SOMA. Randy got free tickets through TBA and even though I had plans to see Romeo & Juilet at LSF I decided to change plans and go into the city instead. It was a truly wonderful show that had the audience in 4 sections and moving from room to room. It reminded a bit of the middle section of Fefu where the audience travels to each of the rooms, however just like 2 characters went between rooms, most of the dancers last night performed in more than one piece. Randy and I both agreed that our order was the best. There was a nice arc and the flashiest piece from a technical standpoint was our finale. My head was spinning so it took me a bit to get to bed which made it even harder to get up this morning.

Since I was not called to rehearsal today, I decided to go to another Laughter Yoga session in Oakland. It was a smaller group and had a different energy. I liked some of the exercises, but preferred to do more laughing and less talking. The best thing is that I came up with an addition to Laughter is a River. And will now be playing with Laughter is a Geyser, as well. I planned to go to Chauncey's jazz class at The Beat afterwards, but I got caught in traffic and really just wanted to head home. I wound up being a few minutes late, but at the Ashby exit, I decided to just get off and go to class. It was a good one and I totally needed it.

As I sit on the couch, I am really quite content. I told Jerald that I would see his show tonight, but honestly, I really don't want to get up. I think I will do a bit of cleaning, watch some Harry Potter on TV and go to bed early.

While in the shower last night I decided that the cabaret I would like to do should be a retrospective of songs I've sang in cabarets past or were influences on my life. The list now includes: The Rose, I'm Not at All in Love (Pajama Game), something from Anything Goes, What Makes me Love Him, New York State of Mind, Midnight Train to Georgia, Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, Somewhere That's Green, Desperado, Hard Travelin', I Wanna Be Loved By You, Get Here, I Just Can't Wait to Be King, Miss Byrd, Taylor the Latte Boy, Valentine's Day, Branson, Annie Medley, Put Your Record On, If This Isn't Love, Old Man River and I'll Follow You into the Dark.

Gosh that's quite a list. Busy, busy busy. The creativity continue. But for now, I'll rest.

One down...

This is the summer of 3 camps, the return of teaching at UC Davis and doing The Real Thing with Livermore Shakespeare. It's not even 11pm and I am tired. Not only that but I took a nap today. I am going to climb into bed and start this craziness up again tomorrow.

Today was the last day of the Holy Names camp for me through Cal Shakes. I was with the older group and for the most part it was truly satisfying. The kids as a whole are lazy and it just drives me crazy. However, I may have to take some of the responsibility and add things that are more engaging. Ah, I miss working with college kids.

Rehearsal today was equally satisfying. Or perhaps a little more so. Now that I am no longer struggling with lines (and didn't get a single line note) I found a whole mess of fun. It's amazing how much the unsuredness of lines really held me back. I am super excited to see how things progress and how the technical elements bring us to the next level.

In the meantime, here's a bit of gratitude:
1. employment
2. kind and genuine people
3. a clean and reliable automobile
4. leftovers
5. kitties on the couch next to me

The Test of Time

I have been working on lines for The Real Thing pretty diligently for the past 3 days. I've had my scripts with me and I recorded my lines and put on my ipod so I could listen both in the car and in bed.

Yes, I did go to sleep two nights with them in my ears. And yes, after the first night I did have quite a few bizarre dreams. I really wish I remembered them now. But they were truly out there.

So tonight we have our first spacing rehearsal at the winery and I am curious to see how I really did. I hope that my confidence level stays high and that I have brought as much to the table as everyone else has. That's the real issue. I am working with such a strong crew I don't want to disappoint or be the weak link. I have found a good bit of new things and I really cannot wait to share them tonight. I do have to be honest and say that a few of the retorts are still questionable. I am not sure what Stoppard was trying to say. I mean some of Charlotte's lines are complete digs, but I am not sure who she is digging AT or how venomous she is. Luckily we have two weeks of rehearsal left, so I can keep playing.

Teaching has also been going well. I am teaching movement at one of the two 2-week Cal Shakes camps to ALL ages. Grade 3 - grade 12. It's fascinating to see the differences between ages and groups. Sometimes I am super successful and things stick and others the kids look bored. I know some of it's not me, but for the most part I need to figure out the best thing for each age group. Quite a learning experience for me, too. I get the older kids again today. I conquered 2 of the 3 classes yesterday, but the middle age group of the older kids just struggled. Lots of clique-y girls and low energy. That caused me to shut down and get all scattered. Not really how I like to lead a class.

I teach a Renaissance dance class on Monday and then move on to Playwriting with MTC soon. So, I need to start planning those lessons, as well.

Yay, for being busy and the subsequent paychecks!

Gratitudes:
1. paid gigs
2. nice sunny weather
3. coffee
4. carpools
5. a subletting roommate who keeps me tidy(ier!)

The Good and the Bad

When I was in Atlanta, every time I entered the second week of rehearsal for any show I was in, I hit a wall. I started questioning why I was cast and doubting my abilities. Thankfully it never appeared in grad school. However, now that I am back doing straight plays, I has reared it's ugly head.

I fail to remember what the last show was that I felt this way. Not Voices Underwater and not Women + War, I don't think. But I believe definitely on Anne Frank: Within and Without and The Sex Habits of American Women. And actually my last show - On the Town there was a smidge of it when I struggled with lines - and my scene partner.

The first week is just peachy. I come into the process with that energy of entitlement. There's a reason I was cast now I need to just do my work. However, once the play starts cracking open and all of the actors are making discoveries at different rates the confidence is shaken up a bit. In the case of my current show, The Real Thing I see some of my fellow actors taking the reigns and just running. I feel slow. Like I have not made equal strides and that I never will. I sat back on my confidence instead of using its momentum forward. It's a horrible place to be. For not only do I have to catch up, I have to jump over this horrible mental obstacle. And then there is the disappointment from my castmates - whether that be real or imagined. So, you see - obstacles.

The good news is that I recognize it and know that I have overcome these in the past. I just have to stop beating myself up about it. Secondly, these are some issues in the play itself. In fact my character, Charlotte says to her ex-husband, Henry,

You think making a commitment is it. Finish. You think it set like a concrete platform and it'll take any strain you want to put on it. You're committed. You don't have to prove anything. In fact, you can afford a neglect..."

But as we find out, you cannot. I guess this is a little issue of mine. Well, maybe it's not so little. That's the bad news. I am a bit of a 'Henry' right now. Or for a while. I seem to have lost that drive a bit. Or perhaps the skills to dig deeper. Or is the universe trying to put these blocks in front of me so I abandon performing once and for all and make a greater difference in administrations and education?

I did not feel any of this in grad school, largely because my confidence level was up. I was a big fish in a small pond. I was not challenged largely by those around me. I did not have to fight for roles in either year. I was an actor solely and I didn't have to worry about from where my next pay check was coming. That was exciting. I think I will make some tea and start to do a little digging in the script before I head to teach. Time to pick up the reigns.

A little magic

Even though we started rehearsals for The Real Thing last week the craziness starts in earnest today. For the next 2 weeks, I am teaching movement for one of the two Cal Shakes camps and then most days going to rehearsal afterwards. With volunteering for one of the Wild Kitchen dinners on Friday and then working a Hugh Groman shift on Saturday, I am already starting on a lower energy level.

Not good.

But at least I have some money in my pocket and I ate well. And since rehearsals are going well, I am also feeding my soul.

Not bad!

It's interesting that the Wild Kitchen dinner was the thing that sticks out the most this weekend. It was totally a magical event. People coming together in a "secret" location to share wonderful, fresh food and an experience. I basically benched on my catering and serving experience, but since I was volunteering it was a bit looser. I did notice that I was one of the more driven people there. In fact the dude in charge said that he liked my focus - or direction - but anyway it was clear that most everyone was a tad more laid back. Grab a beer and a cigarette and when we're ready we'll serve the next course. It took me a while to embrace that. Primarily since that's not my way when I cater, but secondly because I didn't want to be there all night long. I mean staying in the city 'til midnight with a 10am rehearsal down in Livermore, immediately followed by a catering gig in Los Altos takes its toll. Yes, my body feels it.

But anyway, back to the magic.

When I arrived on site there were two long tables set up with butcher paper tops and some simple glass bottles with dried flowers and wild artichokes strewn about. My first task was cleaning sea beans. The head dude was making sashimi halibut and the guy next to him was cleaning more wild artichokes. I believe there was also some duck searing and frying some tempura sea beans. Oh wait, then what was I cleaning?

Here's the menu. That may shed some light.

Amuse Bouche
Wild Bay Leaf Butter on Garlic Crostini

first
Miso Marinated Black Cod with Blood Red Daikon
and Quick Fried Wild Radish Greens

2
Black Trumpet Mushroom
and Wild Radish Galette

3
A soup of Crisp Wild Onion and Local Wild Nettles

4
Local Halibut Tartare
with Tempura Fried Sea Beans

5
Black Trumpet Risotto
with Braised Cattails
and Wild Lavender Grilled Duck Breast

6
Salad of Miners Lettuce, Spring Greens, Oxalis Flowers
and Pickled Beets
with a Tart Oxalis Vinaigrette

7
Wild Artichokes and Arugula with a Fresh Aioli

last
Wild Lavender Cheesecake
with Oakland Farmstead Honey

Okay, so the veggies I cleaned were part of the salad, but they are not listed. But as I review this menu again I really don't care. Each course was more delicious than the last and the diners (as well as the folks hanging in the kitchen) all had a great time. Yes, there was a lot of alcohol and yes those who drank (and drank without excess) probably had a better time than those who didn't or had one (or three) too many.I found joy in making people feel welcome. In satisfying special requests and getting smiles (and glasses of wine) in return.

Would I have done things differently. Sure. But it's not mine to judge. On my way home with a belly full of great food, some leftovers at my side and a few dollars tip in my pocket, I seemed to learn a little more about myself.

Gray and cloudy Friday

I wasn't gonna write because I don't think there is a ton to report, but if I start typing I just may be surprised. There are certainly a number of things I could be doing - like cleaning my bedroom. But I wonder if I can keep avoiding that for another day.

Today is my last open day for a while. Monday the run of teaching starts and doesn't really stop until mid-September. I am exciting to get back to teaching more regularly and intangible as it gets, I'm ready to change some lives. There has been lots of self-reflection for a while and though there may be better work for me elsewhere there is a reason why I'm here in the Bay Area. The theatre scene and just life in general is so different that I am adding more to my experience and tool box. Whether I'll get to use any of it is questionable. That's a rather pessimistic statement. It's kind of up to me to execute my skills, ain't it?

Gosh, there's that pro-activity again.

Sigh.

It's not even 8am and I have a bit of drive right now. There's potential on the horizon, I can just feel it. I'm staying in the Bay Area to grow as an artist and truly experience this coast. I just cannot be passive about it. Tony's subletter, Jerald is a go-getter. I need to take some lessons from him. I need to let go of the things that are not serving me, figure out what makes me happy and just go for it!

Wow, this post is much more inspirational than I thought. I guess I should get out of bed, grab some coffee and jump into my day.

Boo-yeah!

Gratitudes:
1. skills
2. comforts of home
3. a summer full of projects
4. a credit card with points
5. fresh food

Answers and questions

When I graduated from grad school my goal was to stay in the area to perform and teach. One of my professors suggested to go that route instead of falling back on my administrative talents. My time in the Bay area has actually been a mix of all three. It has been a struggle largely because there has been mostly administrative work and little creative work. And let's not get started on the financial rewards.

Today was solely performance and teaching. Well, rehearsal and teaching orientation. And on the way home I was happy. I would love to say that I am finally in a good place, but that may be jumping the gun a bit. I will say that on am certainly on the path to life being good.

While I had a questionable performance experience with The ChatRoulette Show last week, I had a fun time at FrontLine's benefit a week ago. And even though we just started rehearsals for The Real Thing yesterday, it feels really good. I am excited about performing again. Table work made me giddy and the people in the room are all talented and happy to be there. Better yet, my director brain was not engaged. I was thinking completely like an actor. I left rehearsal and I headed to the orientation for the first of two 2-week camps with Cal Shakes. The vibe was so positive. It was a complete community.

It made me realize that I made a good decision about my summer. While teaching at UC Davis for both summer sessions and the potential job at UC Berkeley would have paid me more money, I am so glad I decided to do the show with Livermore Shakes and piece together the camp teaching at Cal Shakes and MTC.

The only sucky thing is that gas is getting more expensive and there is going to be lots of driving.

In the meantime, there are some things I am grateful for:
1. sweet lap cats
2. an open bottle of wine
3. free coffee at the hotel where we rehearse
4. sunny skies
5. enthusiastic people

To Perform or Not to Perform

is still the question. I guess I should not be asking that for realsies as I begin rehearsals tomorrow for The Real Thing and have a small gig with When You Hit Your Funny Bone at CounterPULSE in the fall. I am completely tired from Chauncey's dance class this afternoon followed by volunteering about The Marsh SF and then CounterPULSE to see Scott Well's current show. So, I will ruminate on my question and it's answer on my BART ride home tomorrow.

In the meantime, let's talk gratitude:
1. possibilities
2. yummy ravioli that I made when I got home this evening
3. storytellers
4. a roommate/subletter who CLEANS!
5. having skills that people need (but getting paid for them is another story)

sigh.

Funny AND sexy??!!

Last night I put on some fine duds and full make-up to perform at a benefit for a new theatre company that some friends started. It was in the lobby of the theatre they're renting for the show. For a Monday night in Fort Mason it did not draw the crowds they hoped, but as Ara (one of the founders) said, for every patron that's 7 more dollars that we didn't have before. I love that positivity. And Ara has that in spades.

The benefit gave me a good opportunity to perform an excerpt of When You Hit Your Funny Bone again. Ara started the show by singing some lovely songs from the 1930s. They were campy at times, and she was truly funny, but the audience was quiet. Well, Randy and I laughed in the back, but when I asked Kati if the audience was smiling, she said no. That worried me lots. I really needed the verbal support from the small crowd and thankfully when my turn came I just reached in and took it.

Not very subtle.

My original plan was to do a bit of the Laugh Score, speak and dance the Humor definition, tell the cowboy joke, repeat the humor dance and then go into One for the Ladies. However with my schedule yesterday I did not have time to rehearse the humor work. So I cut it. I thought through the transitions, but never physicalized them. I think it worked out okay, but it would have been stronger if I would have rehearsed it.

Ara used piano accompaniment for her songs so I asked him to play a small intro before I started laughing. It was a little clunky, but since we never worked before it was fine. I think I came on too strong and did not offer enough variety of sound, rhythm and quality all around. But keeping it positive, it was fun to do it and I had some nice conversations with folks afterwards. There were a few that thanked me for the laughter and another that spoke about the "pu pu and pee pee platter" just not being good.

Needless to say I am excited to jump back in and since I let my current musician go, I am now in search of another collaborator.

Welcome back

There has been a lot and a little. But mostly I have just not been motivated to write. I have been working my tushie off and I really do see things changing. More importantly I took a day off and took a day trip with Christine, Genia and Christine's childhood friend, Rachel. It was a lovely day up to Sebastopol and then on to Bodega Bay. Wonderful food, amazing scenery and great company.

With that in mind, I am grateful for:
1. good friends
2. lovely weather
3. people who appreciate my hard work
4. chances to perform
5. being close to the water

Just Call Me...

There's no reason on Earth that I should still be up. I have been going non-stop since 8:15am and I hit my brain freeze about 4 hours ago. I guess I am stubborn. And just don't want to leave the couch. As I proceed on my path I have started asking myself "how does that serve me?" If it doesn't I have started the process of letting go. I am tired of struggling, so I need things that either pay the bills or feed my soul.

Hopefully both.

However these decisions are hard, so what I've wanted to do almost all day is just hide away. I wondered what would happen if I just stopped answering my phone. There were a series of people who needed me today, but I just didn't want it. I wanted to play and relax. I did get a little bit of down time with Christine and Genia today. And I have to say that was awesome. I also took Christine up on her offer to be my Life Coach and me hers. I think it's a good match and there will be no money exchanging hands. We know each other so well and can really challenge each other. I am a little worried about what will come next. I feel like I'm on another precipice. (Oh gosh, I spelled that right!) And the next 6 months will be truly telling.

Here's to them!

Gratitiudes:
1. sunny skies
2. Christine and her friendship
3. good music
4. cooking skillz
5. DVR

I Need a Life Coach

I think I am starting to run around in circles. And just think, that's what dogs do - and we laugh. For what it's worth, that's not a good sign. I hoped that there would be more clarity during grad school, but I honestly don't think I'm closer to a goal. I'm not getting any younger and I'm too experienced and talented to still be struggling. So, I think there will be some major decisions made in the months to come. I need to figure out my true passion. What gives me the most joy and just do it. No excuses. My problem is that I keep getting distracted along the way.

At the Ecstatic Dance Anniversary at the Sweet Ballroom in Oakland I saw these people who consider dance as their church. It felt like they just HAD to dance. I did enjoy it, but I would have been just as happy to watch. Once I did get dancing and truly let loose a natural smile came over my face and I understood why people congregate there every Sunday. It's not that I suddenly felt like I had to make this a weekly ritual, but there was awareness in the power of dance.

I need to find what does that for me.

I again avoided working on the Definitions section of Funny Bone and updating my Invoices. Instead I started to clean my email inbox and work on Laughter is a River. I will get up early to do a little work and then head into the city for a Greenleaf delivery. I hope to do a little Nathan work if the Casual Carpool cooperates and gets me in to SF with time to spare.

The running continues.

Gratitudes:
1. the return to flossing
2. Randy for joining me on pizza & beer and listening to my concerns
3. kind words
4. Mary for trust in my experience and opinion
5. change a-comin'

Weekend of Brand New

Okay, I think I am officially a Bay Area babe. Yesterday I went to my first laughter yoga class in the Grand Lake area and the Farmer's Market immediately afterwards. In the evening I met Andrea and some of the MTC ladies at AT&T Park for the Giants v the Arizona Diamondbacks. And yes, there was a protest about the whole immigration issue. And then today I went to a yoga class followed by Ecstatic Dance. Unfortunately I cannot say that I biked to any of this, but like many people in the Bay Area. I drove my car. Well except to the baseball game, I took BART and walked. The weather was super nice today, but when I got home I went inside and completely crashed on the couch.

So my plans of cleaning the apartment and working on funny bone and updating my hours and invoices - well, yeah, that didn't happen. if i head to bed in the next 30 minutes, i should be able to get up early and bust some shit out.

that and i really think i need a life coach.

What I'm Grateful for:
1. two loving lap felines
2. gorgeous weather
3. pluots in season
4. supportive friends
5. possibilities

Notes to the Self

First off, when you are watching a live reality competition result show, don't check twitter. I mean, I know it goes without saying, but I guess I have my stupid hat on. Momentarily forgetting that I am 3 hours behind the original broadcast of the finale of American Idol I decided to check Twitter to see if anyone on this coast was tweeting about Alice Cooper opening the show. Yeah, dumb move. Since on the right bar I see the current top phrases in tweets listed at least 2 mentions to Lee Dewyze winning. I have to admit that I am a little surprised. I was not an avid follower this year or last, but every time I did catch it, Crystal Bowersox seemed to just bring it. As I watch this 2 hour event, it makes me sad. There is so much money, attention and viewership but the contestants are just not that good. As a whole. There are a few people that busted it out, but I think the show has lost it's luster. And that makes me sad.

Fortunately that is not the same with So You Think You Can Dance. Hopefully the DVR setting is still active from the last season. Since the coming months will be a little crazy, I don't think I will have a chance to watch it live. I will be in rehearsals and teaching and doing a few hours here and there with Kim and Jess, and then there is increased catering work with Hugh.

I spoke to yet another non-profit dance company today about doing some administrative work. The artistic director asked me about my teaching and other work and then there was the telling question about also being a performer. And I really had to think about it. I have to be honest and say that I am not sure how much performance will be doing on a regular basis. I did the generals last week at CenterREP and felt good, but when I did them at Berkeley Rep on Tuesday, I just felt okay. I am still doing the show this summer and I am making plans for When You Hit Your Funny Bone, so don't fret. However, perhaps scripted plays are not the best medium for me. Perhaps there is a better performative medium for me. Or not.

I reminds me of this conversation I had with Margaret Baldwin in the germinations of my departure from Synchronicity and Atlanta. I drove over late at night in my pajamas and we sat on her front porch. I knew change was on the horizon and I needed a wise perspective. I mentioned it here two years ago. Either I'm slow on the pick up or I need a little reflection (and a good kick in the pants) every year or so.

Duly noted.

Juggling

I noticed that the Working Actors Workout this Wednesday is all about basic clowning and juggling skills. I really want to go. I have always wanted to add a little juggling into Funny Bone - or at least have the option. I have lots of potential meetings and now that I'm doing catering deliveries for Hugh Groman and there is another potential arts admin job the schedule juggling continues.

I am trying to be good and as opportunities come up I ask myself 'how does this serve me?' i need to remember that I have skillz and I don't have to settle. I need to be paid what I'm worth and the jobs I take need to either serve my bank account, my career or my soul.

In the meantime, I am grateful:
1. Grocery Outlet
2. upcoming rehearsals
3. upcoming arts volunteer ops
4. yummy red wine
5. pandora to work by

Early Start

It's amazing how productive one can be if the day starts early. My lovely cat, Maximillian for the last year has gotten me up around 6:30am each morning. During grad school that was usual for me since 2 days a week I taught at 8am. However, with my schedule a little looser these days, that's a little harder to handle. And better yet, about a week ago, he decided that I need to get up around 5:45. Most days I just go back to bed for a few hours, but since I have an interview down in Cupertino this morning, I thought I should get up and get some things done.

Mostly clean and then prep for the interview.

Tony called me last night and told me that his sister and her two friends would be crashing here the next two nights. So, first up this morning was doing dishes, putting away some clean clothes and making the bed. I then made myself a nice pot of espresso and straightened up the living room and did some computer work.

I wish I did more this week on Funny Bone. Well, I did some reworking, but not very much practical work that I can work on with Colin. Let me put away some dishes and do another round of dishes and see if I can run the definition dances before I hit the road.

Gratitudes:
1. sunny skies
2. work possibilities
3. nice audition auditors (from the one yesterday)
4. inexpensive or free yoga
5. sleeping lap kitties

Building Communities

Still with my jacket on after getting home from Noga's house this evening. She invited a few of us from the yoga training over for Shavuos. That's just how lazy I am. It was really nice to gather with this group of women and I do hope to continue gathering on a regular basis with or without yoga. I was very happy that there was wine on the buffet table because I needed it after an exciting day with my little divas and a faculty meeting to process it. I made a quiche, but in my typical potluck fashion I didn't have any of it since I knew there would be plenty leftover - and I mean there's only so much quiche one can eat.

Not too much else to report. No word on the audition I went to on Monday and my temp job tomorrow and the catering gig on Saturday were cancelled. I will be heading to see BATS on Saturday night with Colin and we rehearse on Friday, so I'd better get my butt in gear and take some time to rehearse tomorrow on my own.

I'm doing the general auditions at Center REP tomorrow, so hopefully that will take me another step closer to my city take-over.

Things that I am grateful for:
1. yummy food
2. supportive colleagues
3. washer and dryer in the apartment
4. an upcoming acting gig
5. no one to judge me for my messiness

There's a New Sheriff in Town

And she's taking over. Well, we all have to have a goal.

I would like to start with the Bay Area. And after today I do think it's possible. But it's gonna take work. Lots of it.

I feel like I spent most of the day on the couch. And yeah, well I did. I did a bit of work for Nathan and Lauren, as well as for Gravity. I did have a good audition at MTC and fingers crossed that Ryan saw something worth seeing again. I was very conscious about keeping things simple. Not overacting and being super truthful. And for the most part it worked. Most of the laughs happened where they should have and it was easy. So, to be honest, I will be disappointed if I don't get a callback, but I was able to be skillful in my practice.

I know, I know, how yogic of me.

Better yet, while reading at audition in their small theatre, I was excited to act. I wanted to be on that stage, speaking those lines. I wanted to tell her story. And it's been a while since I felt that.

So, when I came home I had a nice IM conversation with Christine. We are both in the same boat. Both talented women with degrees who are struggling for work. I passed on what was told to me by that consultant last week at the TBA Annual Conference. This life doesn't get any easier. There are a few lucky ones, but most of us have to keep fighting. Or being proactive. I think I am saying it better than the consultant, but you get my drift. The arts are hard, education is a struggle and with the economy the way it is, it's even tougher. Those with job openings are getting the pick of the litter. They don't have to work so hard to fill them. There are tons of not only qualified, but exemplary people applying. She mentioned that I would be a good life coach, and it's nothing I don't already know. However I have placed a moratorium on formal schooling until I can actually make some money. Not only that but I am busy. I have a plan.

It's only a matter of time - that is, if my goal is to take over.

Which it is.

So as soon as that was decided I got a phone call from Cal Shakes offering me more work over the summer. Then the even better job at UC Berkeley called. He was bummed that I have already accepted other work. The money would have been good, but it would not have allowed me to work at MTC, Cal Shakes and do the show down in Livermore. My soul needs some artistic work right now, so even though my saving accounts needs a serious payback, I think I made the right decision. I also got a call from the catering company I work work offering me more work. And general audition slot at CenterREP for Thursday. I also removed Facebook from my Bookmark Bar. The weening begins now.

I then spent the next few hours signing up to usher at various theatres and venues. If I am going to take over, I need to be known in the community. I need to get out there and see everything and meet the decision-makers. Tonight I had the choice of going to Keith Hennessey's workshop or the Porchlight reading. The first would have given me an opportunity to work on my movement from Funny Bone or create some new stuff and the second would have introduced me to the storytelling world in the Bay Area. I probably made a mistake here, but I decided to blow them both off and make myself a nice dinner with a glass of wine and watch TV. I didn't want to spend any more money today and a gals gotta rest if she's going to continue to...say it with me...

take over the world!

Gratitudes:
1. more leftovers
2. cats who don't judge
3. laughter
4. DVR & the internet
5. my neti pot

Approaching Yoga

I returned to 7th Heaven this afternoon for an Inversion Workshop and Shy's class. It was slightly weird to not be in the studio at noon since it's where I've spent my Sundays for the last 5 months. I first saw Justin who was in my class and he said something about the studio not being our home anymore. And I totally felt that. There is something very homey about that place, but it didn't feel the same today.

The workshop was good. It did not blow me away, but I approached inversions in a new way. Aubrey Hackman and Shy made inversions very accessible. Their teachings gave me a great "in" to be able to lead an inversion based class. Balasana, Uttanasana, Adho mukha svanasana, Prasarita Padottanasana are light inversions. It's an easy way into the power of working with gravity in a new way. It's also easier to approach those poses than the full inversions of headstand and shoulder stand which are more challenging for beginning students.

During Shy's class I found some new things, as well. First, ways to build heat are both keeping the flow and holding difficult poses for longer. I find that the classes I teach lately are more calming. I would love an opportunity this week to teach a power class. The second thing I found was jumping up into ottanasaa from down dog. Keeping forward momentum and not looking back I was able to jump up with ease and grace - feet between the hands, not behind. I wound up surprising myself.

Here's to strong yoga this week, as well as a successful audition tomorrow and a good interview for a writing gig on Friday.

Gratitudes:
1. yoga
2. Word Twist on Facebook
3. a sturdy bike
4. coffee with soy milk
5. a jazz festival on 4th street

Lazy Saturday

It's not like I had big plans for today, but for the most part I just laid low. Work for Nathan and Lauren and then a shift at The Beat with Chauncey's class thrown in there for good measure.

I was thinking about heading into the city to usher at YBCA and see Smuin Ballet, but my procrastination got the better of me. And after eating a dinner of tortilla chips, I still sit here. Tomorrow I will do a bit more work for Nathan and Lauren and work on my MTC audition and Funny Bone.

But here are some gratitudes:
1. growing friendships
2. catering leftovers
3. sunny skies
4. The Mentalist on DVR
5. Maximillian, the pain in the ass lap kitty

Funny Bone unlocked

So over a year later, I finally was able to get the video of my thesis performance, have it transferred to a DVD (from a mini-DV tape) and uploaded to youtube. Lots of thanks to Rosamund Grimshaw, who I worked with on Jess Curtis' show in February. She was very kind and now I am able to revisit and start to pick apart what worked and what didn't. And the biggest thing, I am now able to see the dang thing. I showed it to my musician, Colin yesterday and now that it's on youtube, I can share it with the world.

For at least a few weeks. Then I am going to take it down.

But in the meantime, here's the link to part 1. I tried to embed, but the window goes outside the frame of the blog. Enjoy!

Yoga-licious!

Sunday morning I woke up completely exhausted. A full day of asana is quite intense. Okay, maybe it wasn't a full day, but teaching 1 short class on Saturday and taking 4 others did a number on my hip flexors and my hamstrings. I guess that's what a shit load of adho mukha svanasana does.

The yoga training was quite an experience. Full of challenges and successes. When we finally took Shy's class Sunday evening, I was wiped. Most of the teacher trainers were in the back row and many of us observed rather than doing asana for most of the class. For the first time I did stay for meditation since we were doing a little potluck party afterwards. It was a great way to breathe and center. Shy gave us one final exercise at the party. It was similar to the "spreading sunshine" exercise I do that I learned from the folks at Moving in the Spirit in Atlanta years ago. However, in this case, Shy wanted us to talk to each person in the program privately and tell them what we thought about them. To be honest, I am not a fan of that structure. I tend to keep things more positive, so I went the "sunshine" way and told people what I appreciated about them.

It saddened me that for many people I spoke with I started by saying that we really don't know each other. In those last two days we really began to open up, truly support each other and share. Of the people who attended the evening potluck, there was only one person with whom I did not really get along. So I just avoided her all together. However, I did speak to everyone else - well, except for the significant others and the guys that were there that I didn't know at all. Luckily the guys in question were musicians, so there was lovely musical accompaniment for our intimate conversations.

In this time of struggling friendships and lack of community, I was very moved by all of my connections that evening. Most people commented on my enthusiasm, positive energy, sense of humor, ease in giving difficult feedback or constructive criticism. Other mentioned my creativity in class planning and nurturing quality. And everyone that took my Saturday assessment class gave me positive comments. I regretted the class I taught because it was not the best way to showcase my skills with teaching asana and alignment. However, I taught for students in the room. With all of the negativity around me these last few months, it truly surprised me that I was being recognized for the person I want to be. And perhaps it's closer to the person that I am.

The biggest news that I taught my first public 90 minute yoga class last night. Moksha Life Center was recommended to me by Lauren Gunderson. I contacted them a few weeks ago and Gwen asked me to sub, but I was unable. So, while it scared me to death, I taught last night. I was a bit tired from a long day in the city. There was a massage intern from NHI giving free chair massages, so I sat down and he worked his magic. So much so, that I started to overheat and get light headed. I was dehydrated, so with these new toxins floating around, it didn't help. But I found teaching relatively easy. I let my body decide on the poses and guided alignment both with my voice and with light touch. I asked for feedback after the class and both of the students said they really liked it. That it was relaxing. I left with a check in hand and a smile on my face.

Besides the ginger snaps that I bought earlier in the day from Miette at the Ferry Building, teaching yoga was a nice birthday gift.

You Gotta Assess (chuate) the Positive

This week marks the last weekend of yoga teacher training and today was the first of two assessment days. Starting last night I got very nervous and my anxiety just increased this morning. I had a good idea for a class, but since I really wanted to stay in the moment, I never went through it or timed anything. So my class on asana from the chakras was just okay. To give myself some credit, it was certainly creative and I'm guessing different from everyone else's. However, I ran out of time the poses I chose did not allow for much detailed instruction. I did teach for the bodies in the room, but I took on too much. In my discussion with Shy afterwards, we decided that it was a good learning experience. And better yet, the class did learn new things.

The best thing, however is that when I went into teaching, I was not nervous at all. I was able to just be open and share. There were definitely some clunky parts, but it's a good start. I have truly learned to build upon my strengths and teach a good class. My asanas are also stronger. It would be nice to say that I will be better about taking on a daily practice, but I cannot guarantee that. I want to keep my energy of "no judgement" up as I aim to do what feels good and helps my body and mind.

I took a week off from working on Funny Bone, so I need to jump back into that. Especially since I saw the video from my thesis and would like to work on a few elements. I also got notification that I did not get the CA$H grant, so I must find some other funding sources.

No rest for the weary, funny yogi!

sunshine Dada smile

Today I am having a sad day. I'm not going into detail, but that being said, I am doing relatively okay. The sun is shining, I had a simple and what felt like a successful print audition this morning. Luckily Nathan's office was right down the street. As I settled in to do a bit of work I got this email...

Hello there Hope --

So I'm sitting on my bed sick with strep throat and reading my Dada's Women that I'm technically reading so I can write a Paper for a Class, but really I'm just curious. And I think to myself, I want to stage a Dada Cabaret.

So then I hop online to see if I could find any video representations of what I could think of or perhaps someone has already done something of the sort before or is currently doing said thing and I could talk with them and See.

And your website was the second thing listed (right after Dada improvisational company) and I was intrigued and clicked on it and smiled and kept on smiling and then found myself on your blog and that was thoroughly enjoyable as well.

Anyways, all this to say: I like the work that you did. And even though it was a year ago I hope that it was something significant and wonderful for you and that you are continuing to do said significant and wonderful things.

And really, that's all.

-Lori

It just made me smile. It's just the kind of inspiration that will bring tomorrow's sun into my Annie audition with Diablo Theatre Co. Um, yeah. Annie.

More Perspective

I am having a sad day, but I still need to take a moment out to be grateful for my life.

1. two auditions today

2. a few hours of work today

3. the casual carpool to come

4. good food (like last nights' dinner)

5. laughter

Tomorrow is my yoga teaching assessment and I planned a class based on the chakras, but I'm thinking of scrapping the whole thing. The partner yoga that I wanted to do wasn't working, so I am looking for something else. I guess I should do that before I am forced out of bed and thrust into this crazy day!

Does Monday = Procrastination?

I stayed in bed this morning until about 9:30AM which is right on for me lately if I don't have anywhere to be. I heard Tony head out around 8:15AM. I believe he was going hiking up the coast. It's a gorgeous day today, but I was unable to go since I have an audition at 2PM for a puppet theatre company.

My mind is a little scattered today. I really cannot keep focus. I keep looking at my Funny Bone definitions, thinking about Laughter is a River and worked a bit on the audition sides. Of course I trolled Facebook and Twitter and skimmed my regular blogs and some news articles.

This is my Google horoscope for today.

Taurus
By Rick Levine
Retrograde Mercury in your sign may be creating its share of delays but today you are determined to make progress in spite of circumstances beyond your control. Managing your anger may take all your concentration if others get in your way. Still, your determination is stronger than usual, giving you the willpower to overcome a variety of obstacles.

Perhaps I should not have read it since while I am not angry at all, I have grown more anxious. Perhaps is it the audition, or the Bay Area Theatre Critic Circle Awards tonight, my yoga certification assessment this coming weekend or the lack of work this week.

Gosh, that's enough to make me hide under the covers for the rest of the day.

I was going to have another cup of coffee to keep me going, but now I see that's a bad idea. I am instead going to get dressed, work on the audition sides and BREATHE.

Quick things to be grateful:
1. arts & culture close by
2. housing potentials if tony leaves
3. new potential jobs
4. yoga & meditation
5. gorgeous spring weather